The legend lives on from the Welshmen on down
of the lady who came here from Swansea.
The lady, it's said, could restart hearts of dead
and is cooler much more so than Fonzie!

With a load of hormones, I salute Zeta-Jones
on her birthday, it is Number 40.
She's forever young, not like Rod Stewart's sung.
To not see it, you'd be blind as Geordie!
(LaForge of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," that is, not a native of Newcastle.)

The girl is the pride of the Glamorgan side
and she sure puts the "glam" in "Glamorgan."
And every man knew in land they call Cymru
that resistance is futile, she's Borgin'!

Concluding some flicks better by far than chicks
like Madonna and Mariah Carey.
This Catherine the Great played that old head of state.
'Twas an Empress both sexy and scary!

I scroll film-list down, there's a tattletale sound
and I really don't know what I'm thinking.
Before Cameron, a "Titanic" she'd done.
So it fits, this song 'bout a ship sinking!

Into a life late came desirable mate
and old Douglas was quite the lothario.
He played her love song, but in tooth he is long:
'Twas on 78, not in stereo!

When their hookup came, I looked out on that dreck
saying, "Fellas, please tell me it's not true!"
One day, I woke up, learned that she was knocked up.
I said, "Catherine, my darling, how could you?"

This song I've wired in, the years now have been ten
and it's one of several that I'm blatherin'.
The Plaza Hotel had their wedding, my hell
when the wrong Michael was hitched to Catherine!

Does anyone know where the love goddess goes?
I do: They bought a house in Bermuda.
And a spacious love-nest up on Central Park West.
I can't have her, I cannot delude ya!

My heart has broke up and my spirit capsized
and my eyes remain so filled with water.
And all that remains are the Welsh children's names:
Dylan for son and Carys for daughter!

The camera rolls, and Ms. Zeta-Jones sings
in "Chicago" role as Velma Kelly.
"I Can't Do It Alone" is her song, but I groan
because Catherine, that's what I should tell thee!

And on Oscar's night, looking even more fright
than her husband, co-star from "Entrapment."
Old Double-O-Seven, and she still looks like heaven
even though she was then eight months pregnant!

In a musty old hall where a movie is played
I still love her, not that it's now matterin'.
The church bell chimes, and it rings 40 times.
Happy Birthday to my darling Catherine!

The legend lives on, Catherine is Broadway bound
in revival of "Little Night Music."
To miss this Sondheim would be major-league crime.
Tickets pricey, but I can't refuse it!