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Song Parodies -> "Enterprise Pie"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"Enterprise Pie"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

I had to do something after "Federation Pie" proved, as Data would say, "Intriguing," but, as Spock would say, "Highly illogical." I don't really remember Apollo 11. I tried to do the ships in chronological order ("Enterprise," the Original Series, the original crew's movies, "Next Generation," and the subsidiaries). If anyone has a better "Star Trek"-themed parody song in them, make sure your inertial dampers aren't failing, 'cause it won't be easy. Lock onto this song: One to beam up, or is that upload?
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how the first moonwalk had made me smile.
And I knew of the fateful cost
when the shuttle Challenger was lost
and Columbia fell victim to a tile.
But when space stories I can't handle
I turn then to the Sci-Fi Channel.
Bad scripts on occasion, but long live the Federation.
I can't remember if I scoffed
when Kirk dodged boulders really soft
but who needs Prozac or Zoloft
when the starship goes aloft.

So, guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

Did you see NX-01, when Trip and Reed would have their fun
'cause the Vulcans let them go.
And did you see that strange Dr. Phlox
try to keep them healthy around the clock
and watch Hoshi try to translate real slow?
Well I know Archer's in love with T'Pol
'cause he flirts with her in the old mess hall.
He tries to buy her beers 'cause he digs her pointed ears.
He's just a lonely guy with a Captain's log
a holy mission and a beagle dog
but in history he's a major cog
'cause his starship got aloft.

And he's singing, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

For a hundred years, we were on our own
a big gap in the historian's zone.
Did records somehow get destroyed?
But Roddenberry went to work
with tales of Captain James T. Kirk
and Spock and Doctor "Bones" McCoy.
Oh, and while the Captain looked so strange
Scotty said laws of physics can't be changed
and Uhura said, "Guys, please
can I do more than open frequencies?"
And Sulu sat there very bored
thinking about his fencing sword
'cause he knew Chekov was out of his gourd
but they kept the ship aloft.

They were singing, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

The plug was pulled on the Federation
but they had the last laugh in syndication
reruns that would forever last.
They returned and V'Ger's gone
faced down the awful wrath of Khan
and Nimoy temporarily left the cast.
Now, they came back to Earth to face their crime
but first they had a whale of a time.
Sybok taught them to dance
and they even gave Klingons a chance.
But they decommissioned Enterprise-A
and its successor had to save the day
with the help of Kirk, who was blown away
but he kept the ship aloft.

His last words were, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

And the next generation took their place
Picard and crew went into space
the money was there to start again.
So come on, Riker, kiss Deanna quick
before Wesley's next ship-saving trick
'cause aggressiveness is Worf's only friend.
Oh, and as Data tries to be sage
Doctor Crusher checks her medical gauge.
No angel from below can refuse "Make it so!"
And as the plasma climbs into the night
to keep the warp core glowing bright
I saw Geordi smiling with delight
'cause it keeps the ship aloft.
He was singing, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

I heard some Bajoran blues
and asked Kira for happy news
but she just said, "Sisko's gone away."
And I looked up at Voyager
and said, that Borg chick, look at her
but I got a dirty look from Kate Janeway.
And in the sky I now can see
the ship they call Enterprise-E.
In the latest film it's spoken, poor Data's gone, no jokin'.
But the Captains I respect so hard
Sisko, Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard
will forever stand as our world's guard
'cause their ships remain aloft. At least in reruns.

And they're all singing, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die.
This red-shirted officer will die."

Yeah, they're singing, Guys, guys, the starship Enterprise
gets dilithium for its mission and away now it flies
and good ol' boys are drinking Romulan rye
singing, "This red-shirted officer will die."

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.1
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 36

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2
 1
 
 2   1
 0
 0
 
 3   5
 5
 5
 
 4   11
 4
 8
 
 5   17
 25
 22
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Rice Cube - February 21, 2003 - Report this comment
"Bad scripts on occasion, but long live the Federation." :-D So true. So very very true. But it seems they've not yet killed off a red-shirt...hmmm, perhaps soon, very soon. And not that anyone saw the film anyway (I did though) but did you have to tell them that Data bought it!? :-P I'm not sure that the first line of the chorus flows, but I give you a 5 for pacing anyway. Good job!
Mr. Spock - February 22, 2003 - Report this comment
May this parody live long and prosper. V
Jeff Baker - February 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Mike, I'm not a big Trek fan, but I've seen each show (Including the 1973-5 tv cartoon) and I loved this! You must obviously love this series and what you wrote is full of love and meaning! And, of course, I love "American Pie!" -----jeff
Eric Andrews - April 24, 2003 - Report this comment
I'm definitely not a Star Trek fan, and have never seen any episode or film all the way through. But this parody rocked! The pacing was a tad off, but we can't all be "Mathematical PI", now can we. Mike, you've got a gift, continue to use it wisely.
Devin Manis - July 10, 2003 - Report this comment
Whoever doesn't give this thing at LEAST 4's, I quote spock from the Undiscovered country (I think it was spock anyways): If I were Human, I believe my answer would be "Go to hell.". That is, if I were human.
Michael Pacholek - July 10, 2003 - Report this comment
If I were Vulcan, I would find Devin's comment to be highly illogical -- but nonetheless delightful.
Jonah Falcon - July 07, 2004 - Report this comment
The "Red-shirted officer will die" does not fit (for one, red-shirted and officer both have 3 syllables and don't sound right.)
Kelly - January 11, 2005 - Report this comment
I JUST LOVE IT! It took me on a nostalgic warp through time...thanks!!! ~Kelly
Michael Pacholek - March 20, 2005 - Report this comment
Since Klif Fuller did not allow comments on his "Transylvanian Guy," I'll use my own "American Pie" parody (the best of my three, anyway) to comment: Klif, what you wrote was pretty good, but it was only three verses. The song has six. Weird Al Yankovic could get away with doing only four for "The Saga Begins (My, My, This Here Anakin Guy)" because he's one of the Mount Rushmore of Parody Artists, along with Mark Russell, Bob Rivers, and the late, great Allen Sherman. That's why I voted all threes instead of all fives. This is not to say your Vlad the Impaler parody sucks, or bites, but it is incomplete. Had the last three verses been as good as the first three, it would have been a triple-five. But you gotta do the whole thing, just like you can't do "Nights In White Satin" without doing the spoken part at the end ("Breathe deep the gathering gloom..."). You've got talent. You just need to apply it fully. Good luck.
Richard Murphy - January 20, 2012 - Report this comment
Michael, I have started reading though your impressive body of work. Nice to see another Northeast liberal trying to hold off the Huns.

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