-> "(Buy, Buy) An African Child"
Original Song Title:
"American Pie" (MP3)
Parody Song Title:
"(Buy, Buy) An African Child"
A long, long time ago,
Can you all remember
My Chihuahua in a carry-bag?
Now pocket pets are overdone
(Sir Tinkles wasn't that much fun)
And pooper scoopers were a freakin' drag!
But when I first saw Angelina
And Billy Bob (man, what a wiener!)
With an ethnic kiddie
I tell ya, I got giddy
And then Madonna, wise and brave
Bought a little angel (first name: Dave)
I knew it would be all the rage
I'd like me an African tyke
From Uganda or Rwanda: heck, they all look alike
I'll dress him up; buy him a brand new pushbike
If his name's too long I'll just call him "Spike"
Freakin' A! I'll just call him Spike!
Did I hear you whine and huff
When authorities I did pay off?
(L Ron Hubbard told me to)
I won't get those post-natal blues
The kid'll match my Jimmy Choos
And he'll be REAL, unlike the "child" of Cruise [Suri? Pfftt!]
Well, I think I'll fall in love with him
In between my workouts at the gym
And hot dates with Denzel
(Hey! Those two should get on quite well!)
I'm just a lonely, wealthy, movie star
Who ain't keen on stretch marks or caesarean scar
So some rugrat from Zanzibar
Will help boost my profile
You'll hear me shoutin'
Get get me a sprog from Tibet
One from Goa and Samoa: sh*t, I want the whole set!
I've got a nanny who'll step in when they're wet
It's much easier than owning a pet
Easier than owning a pet!
Now for years I've followed all the trends
And just like Brad, scored a gig on "Friends"
But style mags are not calling me
If the role requires, I can show I care
Like Bob Geldof, but with better hair
And a cut-price rainbow family!
Yes, I've heard the bitching and the jokes
(It weren't like this on Different Strokes)
Hey, I'm a selfless girl!
I bought "We Are The World"!
So while Paris parties with Lohan
I'm flying to Something-istan
Coz I heard they'll take cash-in-hand
An autograph and smile
I'll be pleading
Bring bring me a tot from Beijing
What a winner! I'll have dinner dates with Trudi and Sting
And Bono might well call me up for a fling
Oh what happiness the Third World can bring
Oh what joy the Third World can bring!
Chinese, Siamese; all are begging "try me!"
With their big eyes and their tiny hinies
It's more fun than Bloomingdaaaaaaaales!
Put in a call to Unicef
Before too long there'll be no kiddies left
Coz adopting's cooler now than saving whales
No more late nights with Orlando Bloom
Drinking absinthe at the Viper Room
Limey finished our romance
"Auf Wiedersehn" as they say in France
Said he didn't want to be a dad
And although he admires Brad
He couldn't warm to Chad from Chad
So I won't be his bride
It doesn't matter!
Damn, damn! Where's that baby from 'Nam?
Kids are needy: if I'm speedy, I'll beat Carmen and Pam
Those Baywatch babes emailed the dang Taliban
Asking "Whatcha got in Afghanistan?
What's for sale in Afghanistan?"
Oh, and now they're here, all at my place
On each, a different shade of face
Ashanti, Sun-Yoong Park and Doug [Doug??]
So come on! I'll be humble, they'll be cute
Oscar night's gonna be a hoot!
Can't wait to see the look on Jolie's mug!
Oh, and as they call me to the stage
To cry and lie about my age
And accept my award
The plebs will all applaud
And I will tell them all I "feel fulfilled"
And with love, bridges we can build
Also, polar bears should NOT be killed
And Mr Bush is VILE!
I feel so liberal!
Smile, smile little African child
Hug your brother, kiss your mother: I'll make it worth your while
I'm getting headlines, so I'll keep you awhile
Because I can see that Pfieffer's quite riled
Poor old washed up Pfieffer's quite riled!
[A month later]
I met a guy called Federline
Who was just divorced and lookin' fine
So shoot! We's gittin' hitched today!
I'm try'n to relaunch his career
And the cash spent on white vests and beer
Means you other three freeloaders cannot stay
And in their rooms, the children wept
I packed their bags, while K-Fed slept
Hey, chill out and relax, son
Your new pop's Michael Jackson [He's the King of Pops!]
And those three kids that I almost liked
The cute one, whatsername, and Spike
Their new dad's neither black NOR white
And strangely, that seems right
(He paid 3 million!)
Smile, smile, little African child
Your new father, he can love ya, now that he's not on trial
He's got a zoo; must be a real pet-o-phile
I'm afraid that motherhood's not my style
Motherhood is just not
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