Can’t see anything through this gauze
But I’m hoping that there’s a clause
In my insurance policy
That accounts for what’s happened to me

So, I foolishly jumped in a cage
With a tiger and bull, enraged
‘Cause I’d been set up on a dare
I got trampled in their rampage

And my foresight, it wasn’t far
When I went in that mobsters’ bar!
Only came for a round of pool
No, I wasn’t expecting a...

HAY-mak-er smack in the jawbone!
Two thugs went and snapped my elbows
After breaking my nose...
That’s on top of my RUN-in with that Samurai guy!
Thought he’d gladly give to me his sword
I didn’t know I’d get gored...
Got a blight of SCA-aaars!!

I see the nurses, they look irate
As they dejectedly watch my state
“It’s no wonder he cannot see:
His head’s where his arm should be”

Now my face has a million holes
It seems suitable to house a mole
And my skin is all carved with grooves
Like a lizard’s--but not as smooth!

And I’ll have an enormous bill
Just because I’d taken my fill
Of some booze on that fateful night
Didn’t know that I’d wind up in...

EEEE-R, driven into debt now!
Oh man, being gouged by these quacks!
Can’t they cut me some slack?!
I’ll be here for a LONG time, due to my condition
And now, I found they don’t clean their tools
(On all their scalpels they drool...)
Maybe I’ve got SARS?!?