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Song Parodies -> "Man Tits Invasion"

Original Song Title:

"Anticipation"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Carly Simon

Parody Song Title:

"Man Tits Invasion"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

I am gazing—whoa!—at those bodacious jugs.
But I wish they were on a dame. Damn!
Because they look a bit like a milk-filled cow,
I understand you might be feeling shame.
Man tits invasion, man tits invasion
has made you inflate—
it’s your eating ration.

I ain’t sayin’ it’s greasy or carbo-loaded food.
It ain’t right, your constant legume spree.
Plant estrogens are what’s causing this sight.
Although you’re a dude, you’re starting to look like a she.
Man tits invasion, man tits invasion
has made you inflate—
you need a cessation.

There’s a furrow that’s right ’twixt these two splendors.
I’m no prof. tit, but I do know nature’s plays.
As I look into those two huge “eyes” right now,
I’ll say it clear: “You have got to change your ways,
to lose those gross nay-nays;
two boobs will go their ways
if you change your food ways.”

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Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 8

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User Comments

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Rob Arndt - April 27, 2016 - Report this comment
Gynecomastia? 555! I think I've only done implants and Trimastia myself ;-)
Dr Giorgio Coniglio dec - May 01, 2016 - Report this comment
Hey John; Great title-sub, but I don't think you're in the right ballpark re causes of gynecomastia. There is a theoretic link of estrogen status to diet, but effect is likely too small to be important. If you check conventional health-info sources e.g. Mayo Clinic Health, you will find no/little mention of food choices in cause or treatment. Fortunately many cases are self-limited, and 'pseudo-gynecomastia' due to overweight can be easily treated. From ancient days in the corridors of clinical pharmacology, I recall that a surprising number of therapeutic drugs can provoke this side-effect, and that many health-care providers are unaware. A few major health problems e.g. liver and kidney disease are also relevant. The marked cases that you satirize require workup, not nutritional self-treatment. As often happens, more empathy and less generic advice are recommended.
Dr. Kugelmass ret. - May 01, 2016 - Report this comment
Though many drugs, including alcohol, and diseases are probably more responsible for gynecomastia than diet, the latter should not be ignored. Foods that can cause hormone imbalances are to be consumed in moderation as they can lower the testosterone and raise the estrogen levels, causing male breast tissue growth.
One food that has a high concentration of estrogen is soy. Soy contains phytoestrogens that act in the same way as the female hormone estrogen that causes the development of the female sex characteristics, including breasts.
High levels of soy are present in soymilk, TOFU, snacks and most vegetarian meat alternatives. Soy is also used in numerous other food products as filler.
Other foods in this class are apples, carrots, barley, oats, red beans, rice, tomatoes, cherries, chickpeas, olive oil, eggplant, dates, eggs, cucumbers, parsley, peppers, potatoes, wheat, yams, plums, and pumpkin.
Foods that are rich in zinc, which can help in increasing testosterone levels: dark chocolate, watermelon seeds, shrimp, crab, beef liver, egg yolks, lobster, turkey, peanuts, brown rice, squash seeds, salmon, lean beef, lima beans, and spinach.
Everybody should be aware of the particular influences of all foods they eat on the various aspects of health.
Bernarr MacFadden - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
Beware opinions about diet from physicians. They know as little about nutrition as does the average layman. Prevention of disease, sadly requiring "nutritional self-treatment," is left to the self-educated individual. Physicians are in the lucrative business of curing bad health incurred by ignorant lifestyle habits, in turn abetted by those rushed pill-pushers who passed through medical training.
Galen Drake - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
You're right, Bernarr. Unfortunately, there is so much b.s. out there, promulgated by quacks and charlatans, that the first task of getting true facts about nutrition is learning to read critically.
Dr Giorgio Coniglio dec, again - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
Potential alteration of hormone levels, i.e. androgen/estrogen by diet, if relevant, would be of still greater importance in hormone-dependent breast and prostate cancer. But the American Cancer Society feels for example that woman at high risk of development or recurrence of breast cancer can eat soy-containing foods ad lib. Zinc deficiency has been found concurrently with hypo-gonadism in a few human cases, but that does not mean that "zinc helps increase testosterone levels". As a prostate cancer survivor, I do not plan to cut down on zinc-containing foods to reduce my risk of recurrence. By all means, do one of the following yourself... i) micromanage your diet, cutting down on carrots and cucumbers, replacing them with watermelon and squash seeds to increase your manly prowess, 2) use 50 mg Zn tablets -(5 times the 'daily requirement) - marketed OTC for their putative benefit in colds and infections, to stave off seeing a skilled doctor for a diagnostic review. But, please do not proselytize to the gullible and hopeful that there is any proven merit to these practices.
Sarah Palindrome - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
"UFO tofu", or perhaps, "Ufo TOFU". I happen to love tofu, and its sales are increasing by leaps and bounds here in Alaska. Damn the phyto-estrogens; full speed ahead.
Dr. Kugelmass ret. - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
G.C.: Critical reading of my previous remarks makes it clear that I am not proselytizing. That would put me in the same class as the mendacious members of the medical-pharmaceutical complex (like Dr. Oz) and the purveyors of "miracle foods," nor do I propose that people drive themselves crazy by eating or not eating the foods I listed. Obviously, they are of a FYI nature. I do not stand to benefit from my statements of facts; I am a Ph.D. -- in English literature. The thrust of my message is to be an educated consumer of foods. Surely, what one eats matters regarding health. One needn't be a fanatic to eat in a manner that promotes prevention of ill health. If not all disease is prevented thereby, see a skilled M.D., but keep your fingers crossed.
As for "American Cancer Society feels...," are they issuing a recommendation based on emotion or on informed thought? I certainly hope it's the latter. The ever-growing popularity of "feel like" is obfuscatory and is intended as a hedge against error. I recommend you read http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/01/opinion/sunday/stop-saying-i-feel-like.html
Sarah, go easy on the tofu; your tits are big enough now.
Common Sense - May 02, 2016 - Report this comment
Simply burn more calories than your intake through vigorous exercise, stay hydrated, and maintain emotional and spiritual balance. Have a purpose in your life and support from friends and family. Buy a dog or cat.
36-D Man - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
I bought a dog. It was delicious. Bless you, C.S.
Happy - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
I play with my man tits. Is that so wrong?
Grumpy - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
Yes.
Sarah Palindrome - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
Thanks, Dr Kret. for the compliment and the advice. That sounded like something my friend Donald would say.
Nut.-CASE - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
Right on Dr. Kugelmass. Only your local health-food proprietor is trained to unselfishly deal in appropriate treatments. Medical schools and hospitals are self-serving and deny the basic truth that all health outcomes are nutritionally related. (e.g. the size of secondary sex organs is unquestionably proportional to ingestion of plant estrogens). You, Sarah, 36-D Man, and particularly John Barry, should all get a basic diet plan and an individualized regimen of supplements. And, join our group - Nutritional Consumers Advocating Sensible Eating.
Dr. Kugelmass ret. - May 03, 2016 - Report this comment
Nut.-Case exhibits the first sign of nutritional deficiency: distortion of the written words of others. Undoubtedly, that is a result of consuming too many of the tasteless rubber cubes called tofu.
Registrar, Internet College of Health Care - May 04, 2016 - Report this comment
@JAB. You have a huge problem with this guy Dr K using your web-thread for his dyscoprotactic outpourings. Neither of you has training or acumen in diagnosis or therapy, yet you are advising on both. His PhD in English might qualify him to distinguish a metaphor from a simile. Further review may be needed.
First Amendment - May 04, 2016 - Report this comment
Give us a break, ICOHC. Neither JAB nor Dr. K is giving advice. And they're not giving advice based on false credentials. They are stating opinions which are shared by many, and their free speech is constitutionally protected. Get off your high horse!

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