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Song Parodies -> "Lara (The First Tomb)"

Original Song Title:

"Summer (The First Time)"

Original Performer:

Bobby Goldsboro

Parody Song Title:

"Lara (The First Tomb)"

Parody Written by:

Wendy Christopher

The Lyrics

I kind of owe 2Eagle for picking this one to parody; I was reading his comments on Ned Riley's 'Ode to Crappy Music' yesterday and he mentioned Bobby Goldsboro and I thought "Oh yeah, HIM....!"
Anyway, this one's dedicated to all those guys who got addicted to The Tomb Raider game in the '90's (or, more specifically, Lara Croft.) You know who you are, boys..... ;^D
It was his last day outside
Real life had just died
And a dream one was growing
His very first tomb
In his darkened room
With his monitor glowing
On his games machine
Stood a vision in green
With her two special features
She had tight little buns
And was packing some guns
Shooting en-dangered creatures

She was a cartoon and he was flesh and blood
He didn’t need a real girl, she was just as good
And he spent more time with her than perhaps he should
But what else could he do? She gave him wood

He stayed up too late
And put on lots of weight
But he knew she still loved him
Kept him on the edge
When she climbed that ledge
And then fell off and stuffed him
His only desire
Was getting her high’r
And she sure kept his hands full
A sad way to live
In a room piled up with
Rotting pizzas and Red Bull

She won’t waste time shopping, buying useless tat
Discussing things like love and other mindless chat
She’ll never get a headache or grow old and fat
A real-life girl could not compete with that

Love blossomed when
It was past 4am
But no matter, to them it felt right
And just like he planned
With his joystick in hand
He did Lara in Venice that night!

Still loyal, he played
While the movie got made
And it starred Angelina
Well they say she did swell
Played the part really well
But he hasn’t yet seen her
Although it’s shown countrywide
That means ‘outside’
So he says he’s not going
He’s still in his room
Back in his first tomb
With his monitor glowing….

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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Invisible Boy - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Greetins from my Mom's basement...gotta go, my grilled cheese is ready
Dee Range - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
This is fantastic:perfect OS for the story line, and "Joystick in hand" and "She sure kept his hands full" were LOL funny. I couldn't remember the OS so I searched it on YouTube: (I've started putting links in the top comments for parodies of older, relatively obscure will help get views, and votes, from those of us too lazy to search YouTube for the OS) High 5's, Wendy...superb stuff
Wendy Christopher - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
That's a cracking idea, Dee - God, I wish I'd thought of that before! Thanks so much for that advice, I'll definitely do that in future - and thanks for the lovely comments too.
If anyone does what to hear the OS, you could copy and paste this ** ** (without the stars at each end) into your browser.
Kristof Robertson - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
You have either been on a massive roll since you joined the site, Wendy...or you're just really good at this! Another wonderful take; even the obscurity of the OS doesn't detract. 555
Rick C - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
OK, I was one of those guys! Nicely done :-) 555
Phil Alexander - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Kind of like a "Tomb Rider"? another excellent parody, Wendy
Lifeliver - March 06, 2013 - Report this comment
As a big 90s Lara fan, this one got me in. Great job, esp. the double-entendres cited by 'Dee Range', among others. I remember the 1969 OS very well because (blush) I was still a virgin at that time and thought there might be some clues in the song as to what it might be like to be deflowered by an older, more experienced woman. Hell, I was only thirty-six with much to learn.

I really got into TR I - IV and she got smoother and rounder and more agile with each release. By TR III, you could back her into the POV on her hands and knees if that's what floated your boat. I thought the Angelina movies were simply dreadful - missed the whole point, which was me, Lara, and a giant, marathon puzzle. I had never played RP games before and the exotic graphics were mesmerizing. I also loved the original theme music, especially the arrangement in TR 1

Now hear this - time to set the record straight. Anyone who finds Lara sexy is sick-sick-sick. Mechanical boobs, a face made of triangles, cruel, expressionless mouth, no lingerie drawers in her mansion (I searched everywhere), unflattering combat fatigues, and extremely dangerous armed or unarmed. Not my kind of woman at all. Guys would joke about her sex appeal but I never knew anybody who was serious. There are porn images of Lara out there, but there are porn images of Fred Flintstone too, for Chrissakes. I used to tell people I played for the usual reasons people play RP games and they'd go 'Yeah, sure!' It used to annoy me. Angelina on the other hand ...

Rant ends here - sorry.
Peregrin - March 06, 2013 - Report this comment
LL, you are one seriously sick puppy despite your protestations! I haven't laughed so much at a comment in yonks :) Okay, I know you weren't serious. What's wrong with faces with angles? What about Grace Jones? Oh, I see, that's your point. Love the observation re the POV and also the lingerie drawers. Wendy, lest you think I was ignoring you, I was saving the best till last, great work, sorry I missed it first time :)
Lifeliver - March 06, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks, Pip, you made my day. I've wanted to get that rant out my system for fifteen years.
Wendy Christopher - March 19, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks Lifeliver and Pippin!

@Lifeliver: I remember one of my male college friends telling me that the best lovers were the ones who'd been deflowered by an older woman. Which left me wondering how exactly you'd a) deduce that a guy fit that criteria, and b) ask them that question if you couldn't? I mean, it's not exactly 'first date' conversation, is it..?

I confess I also played a bit of the original Tomb Raider - but ended up hating Lara for gameplay reasons. Drove me insane trying to jump across a ledge five gazillion times and failing by one micro-pixel every blimmin' time... and if I had a pound for every time she drowned because she got stuck upside-down on her head, trying to swim through the floor..!

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