I just need help conceiving
To compile up somethin’ fetal
In a dish of petrie spawning
And the promise of invitro ‘tween my thighs

Man, I just need help conceiving
Uncomplying ovums hiding
Had a chart - we tracked the rhythm method, tried

Each time the sperm has gone astray
Each time the sperm has gone astray
Assured of much dismay…

I just need help conceiving
Need a slip from gland of my man
To a-seal to wall of ut’rus
Or some emb’ros grown without, in womb be shoved

Planned - I just need help conceiving
Eggs be doused with seed, pelagic
And affixed vaginal: one, two, three or f-i-i-ive

Each time the sperm has gone astray
(This time for sperm we’re gonna pay)
This time his sperm done Onan way
And fer-ti-lize we may

(instrumental interlude – the Waltz of the Little-Tailed Soldiers)

I’ll bear (with luck) a ba-a-abe

(just need help conceiving)