It's nine a.m. on a Saturday
The kids are just hanging around
Eric Cartman pedals up to them
On a Big Wheel that's low to the ground

He says, "Guys, can you tell I've hit puberty?
I'm not really sure if you can
But it's totally sweet and it makes me elite
I'm the first of us to be a man."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Sell me some pubes, you're Scott Tenorman
Sell me some pubes today
Well, ten bucks is ten bucks as we've both agreed
So hand me that hairy bouquet

Now Kyle and Stan are both friends of his
Along with that kid Kenny
And they all roll their eyes as they ready replies
Wondr'in how f*@#ing dumb he must be
They say, "Dumb ass, you haven't hit puberty
You've got to grow pubes on your own
You can't take shortcuts, and just fork out ten bucks
For curlies that Tenorman's grown."

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now Cartman goes back to see Tenorman
And tries to reverse the exchange
But Scott plays him and then, he plays him once again
Now he's out six more bucks plus some change

And then Cartman's first try at some vengeance
It does not go quite as it was planned
The whole town watches vid of that fat Cartman kid
Going "Oink, oink" at Scott T's command

Damn him to hell, he's Scott Tenorman
I'll get him back, I forewarn
My revenge will be done so epically
He'll regret the day he was born

Cartman's got some ideas for his next play
And he starts thinking three steps ahead
He tricks Kyle and Stan to trick Scott Tenorman
Who in turn tricks his parents: they're dead.
And he arranges a Chili Con Carnivale
Complete with a free pony ride
And he's makin' chili, with a sick recipe
Which he shares after Tenorman's tried

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Cry us a tear, you're Scott Tenorman
Cry us a tear or three
Your folks are both meat, and your tears taste so sweet, and
Radiohead think's you're a crybaby