Saturday night and you're still up to no good
You're tired of living in your slow neighborhood
Then there he is on "Access Hollywood" for a while, whoa-ho
So you turn the sound up and he's flipped his lid
Over the railing he might drop his kid
On eBay his sanity is up for bid, and you smile, whoa-ho

'Cause Captain Jacko's going nuts tonight
and taking chances you or I won't
Captain Jacko's now a putz tonight
Do you understand him? I know I don't
oh-whoa-whoa, oh-whoa, oh yeah

His sister's gone out on VH1
you just sit at home, you know what you've done
you like watching Janet to have some fun, she's a doll, whoa-ho
Then he comes on Extra! wearing military clothes
and he looks so sequined from his hat down to his toes
ah, but still we stare at that ridiculous nose after all, whoa-ho

'Cause Captain Jacko's going nuts tonight
and taking chances you or I won't
Ah, Captain Jacko's now a putz tonight
Do you understand him? I know I don't
oh-whoa-whoa, oh-whoa, oh yeah

So you decide to go back to the good old days
when he sang with his brothers, and was a Seventies craze
ah, but there ain't no place he'll do that today, and what for? Whoa-ho
And he's got everything, ah, but nothing's cool
They just found ol' Bubbles in the swimming pool
and forget "Thriller," he's now more of a ghoul than in '84, whoa-ho

'Cause Captain Jacko's going nuts tonight
and taking chances you or I won't
Ah, Captain Jacko's now a putz tonight
Do you understand him? I know I don't
oh-whoa-whoa, oh-whoa, oh yeah

So you play your albums and you walk your moon
and you do your lip-synch to his Eighties tunes
ah, but still you're aching for when he wasn't a loon, what went wrong? Whoa-ho
And he can't understand why his career is so dead
why he can't keep in style as he styles his head
Well, he's 44, but still there's little boys in his bed, and that's so wrong
whoa-ho, whoa-ho, yeah, yeah

And Captain Jacko's going nuts tonight
and taking chances you or I won't
Ah, Captain Jacko's now a putz tonight
Do you understand him? I know I don't

Oh yeah, Captain Jacko, say goodbye tonight
if he goes back to that hotel railing
Ah, Captain Jacko just might die tonight
just a little push and we'll be smiling...