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Song Parodies -> "Schiano Man"

Original Song Title:

"Piano Man"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"Schiano Man"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Yes, I'm using BJ again. Why not? The Rutgers University football program will drive anyone to drink like the people in "Piano Man," and two years after being hired and boldly proclaiming "It's time!" Greg Schiano has won three games, only one against a Division I-A team (a last-second miracle that Syracuse has already shrugged off). I live two miles from Rutgers Stadium, close enough to smell the Scarlet Knights, and do they ever smell. Undefeated seasons in 1961 under John Bateman and 1976 under Frank Burns (not the MASH guy), but not much since. Route 18 is the main, traffic-jammed road to the Stadium, and Easton Avenue is the main drag for eating and drinking (especially drinking) in New Brunswick, New Jersey. And Terry Shea, Schiano's predecessor, was the worst coach in the history of college football.
It's one o'clock on a Saturday.
The regular crowd shuffles in.
There's on old man sitting next to me
who remembers when the home team would win.

He says, "Greg, can you bring us a victory?
I'm old enough to know how it goes.
And it's sad and it's sweet, and this team could compete
when John Bateman wore coaches clothes."

La, da-da, da-de-da, la-da, da-de-da, da-da-da-dum.

Win us a game, you're the Schiano man.
Win us a game or two.
Well, we're all in the mood for a victory
or soon you won't coach at RU.

Now John selling tix is a friend of mine.
He gets me my seats for free.
And he's quick with a joke or some ice for your Coke
but there's someplace that he'd rather be.

He says, "Bill, West Virginia is killing us."
And the smile runs away from his face.
"Well, I"m sure that I coulda gone to Syracuse
but my Dad got me into this place."

La, da-da, da-de-da, la-da, da-de-da, da-da-da-dum.

Now, Paul is the head of the booster club
which never impresses his wife.
And he's talking with Sammy, who roots for Miami
and probably will do so for life.

And the quarterback's practicing getting sacked
'cause the linemen can't turn on a dime.
Yes, they're sharing a drink called "Virginia Tech"
'cause Schiano was wrong, it ain't time.

Win us a game, you're the Schiano man.
Win us a game or two.
Well, we're all in the mood for a victory
or soon you won't coach at RU.

It's a pretty good crowd for a Rutgers game.
About twelve thousand fans filled with bile.
But it's forty-one grand who can fit in the stands
and forget about wins for a while.

And Route 18 sounds like a carnival.
Easton Avenue smells like a beer.
And we're well past the day we can blame Terry Shea.
So, hey, Greg! Why are we losing here?

La, da-da, da-de-da, la-da, da-de-da, da-da-da-dum.

Win us a game, you're the Schiano man.
Win us a game or two.
Well, we're all in the mood for a victory
or soon you won't coach at RU.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.0
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 18

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   5
 5   11

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Jordan - February 17, 2003 - Report this comment
Being a student at the university of michigan, where one home game probably doubles the attendance for your entire season, I can't really relate. HOWEVER. I can, as a sports fan, a pacers fan, a colts fan, a white sox fan, know how it feels to have a crappy team proclaim "it's time" and then suck. 4/5/5 from me, and keep up the good work. *keep checking for Mike Armstrong entries
John Jenkins - February 17, 2003 - Report this comment
Excellent job, Michael! My only criticism is your timing - on the same day that I submit what I hope is the ultimate "Piano Man" parody, you submit this parody which you got to fit almost perfectly into Billy Joel's irregular pacing.
Mike (Mike Armstrong) - February 17, 2003 - Report this comment
Very good - I feel your pain as a fan of an Indiana football team who hasn't made a bowl since 1993. I feel your pain about the empty seats. And I know just how tough it is to pace "Piano Man", which I think we both did well ("Fire Man" is the Mike Armstrong version). Good work.
Michael Pacholek - December 01, 2003 - Report this comment
Rutgers finishes the 2003 season 5-7. Only two Big East victories, over Temple in Philly and Syracuse at home. Two late losses to Connecticut in East Hartford and Boston College at home keep us out of a bowl. Maybe "It's Time" after all.

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