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Song Parodies -> "On Her Retainer"

Original Song Title:

"The Entertainer"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"On Her Retainer"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

I thought about posting this under "Bernard Pacholek," the name I chose for my fictional Evil Twin. Instead, I'll just make him the narrator... "Thanks for nothing, little brother! Here, I finally get the girl, but at what price? Turns out Arwen also has an evil twin! Curses! Foiled again!"
(instrumental opening)

I am on her retainer
and I know just where I stand:
I have to serenade her
or I am forever banned.
Today I am her champion
and I may have won her heart
but I know the game, gotta please the dame
and I won't be here in another year
if the kneeling will not start!

I am on her retainer
and I've had to pay her price.
The things I did not buy at first
she lectures for that twice.
Ah, and still she comes to taunt me.
Only she gets her say.
So I learn to dance in those too-tight pants
at her call and beck and I write her a check
and she'll go her merry way!

I am on her retainer
as she goes 'round the world.
She's played all kinds of malices.
A temperamental girl.
She can't remember faces.
Makes me remember names.
Ah, but what the hell, 'cause she rings her bell
and after a while with her nasty smile
it all becomes a shame!

I am on her retainer
but it seems I'm always wrong.
She makes me take a pill or two
'cause I can't stay that long.
Ah, I've got to meet expenses.
So she keeps me in line.
Got me on my knees, for Her Majesty's
got ego to play, so the price I pay
and my life ain't worth a dime!

I am on her retainer
and I must put on a show.
You've heard her say, "You bastard!
Come fix my stereo!"
Ah, it took me years to get here.
They were the best years of my life.
She was a beautiful chick but it makes me sick.
My face she's gonna hit and she's gonna have a fit.
It's been like this since 2005!

I am on her retainer.
She's idle, 'cept in rage.
She demands so much money
I feel I'm in a cage.
Aw, you've seen her in the papers
and she's been in the magazines
but she gets real cold when I get real bold
and she stabs my back when I touch her rack.
My life ain't worth a hill of beans!

I am on her retainer!
And I know just where I stand:
I have to serenade her
or I am forever banned!
Today I am her champion
and I may have won her heart!
But I know the game, gotta please the dame!
So I won't be here by the end of this year!
All over, she'll have to start!

(instrumental close)

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   4

User Comments

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alvin rhodes - September 05, 2006 - Report this comment
funny one...5s
Arwen - September 05, 2006 - Report this comment
What part of this is about my evil twin? It sounds just like most of my relationships to me...; )
TJC - September 05, 2006 - Report this comment
Funny... and irrefutably, intensely intimate...
Meriadoc - September 06, 2006 - Report this comment
The line with the 'pill or two' was particularly entertaining!
Michael Pacholek - September 07, 2006 - Report this comment
Thought you might like that line, Merry. Thought Johnny D would like the line, "I can't stay that long."
Michael Pacholek - November 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I just sent in another "Entertainer" parody as an answer song to Arwen's rewrite of "She's Always a Woman." As I wrote it, I thought, Wait a minute, this sounds awfully familiar. It was only after I hit "Submit" that I remembered I did this one. So, be warned, it won't be very original. Hopefully, it'll still be funny.

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