Well they came to tell ol' Santa
Now the holiday is wrecked
Cupid said this isn't banter
Things have really gone unchecked
We aren't even in our halters
But we all agree this time
When a reindeer sure can be way past his prime

Well we've come in here to tell you, Blitzen's old and 'bout to die
His hard living is about to be the reason for demise
He's gone through tons of Coronas, and lots of Marlboro Lights
Now he's gettin' mean, got doo doo for a mind

He's as fit as old warped fiddles
He looks worse than Linda Blair
Needs a chin cup for his spittle
He got dropped from our health care

Well, his brain, he baked it
Liver's decayin', He's just a half wit

(instrumental break)

Well it's not a lie or half truth, Blitzen's old and 'bout to die
Very soon he'll be the same glue, he was sniffing to get high
He'll be one fine craft adherent, and a new reindeer we'll find
Time to carry out the living will he signed

We'll put arsenic in his vittles
Maybe throw him down the stairs
Put him smack dab in the middle
Of two pissed off polar bears

Or his bed, we'll rake it
And throw some hay in, to hide the snake pit

Brew reindeer suet
Brew reindeer suet
Brew reindeer suet