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Song Parodies -> "Prostitute"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

Smack & brown = street names for heroin. Jack = zero
I'll thrash your back with a whip of leather
I stink of booze an' cigs together

Coz I'm a prostitute an' my trade I ply
I wear skimpy tops an' my heels are high
The ample things you see will keep punters sated
A bit sticky though coz I've just lactated, yeah

(Prostitute) With guilt he's wracked
His wife don't know he's huntin' crack
I look all white coz I've had some smack
No fine lookin' beaut, I'm really bad in the sack

I was born to a rich tycoon way down south
Up north I'm now on brown, spaced out, on the game with willin' mouth

But now my pimp will sock me in the eye
I've proper dire fears when he gets high
It's a gin an' wine problem for this guy
I work to pay the bill for dope an' rye, well I try

(Prostitute) Fee for quim
(Prostitute) Some bloke for sin
(Prostitute) I whore my bum
A beast you'll get, no washin', none
I'm a prostitute for an evil guy
I look pretty ill coz my meal's a high
The pimple thing of syph is due once we've dated
I'm not very young so I'm just jack rated, yeah
Here's a john wants a magic time with my mouth
His wife was a hot one, nice bust, now her bust is headin' south

So now I bare my jacksy for his eye
Those ten or more beers jus' make him sigh
It's a get it up problem for this guy
The berk is off his head, just has to buy, has to try

(Prostitute) He's so dim
(Prostitute) I'll joke an' grin
(Prostitute) This john is dumb
He's greased so won't get noshin' fun

(Prostitute) My veins are tracked
I need some food, my pants are slack
I took his cash but I want more smack
No veins to shoot, I'm gonna get me some crack
This is the full 3:47 version that only Alvin and M & P have done to date. Is there a very short US edit?

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   9

User Comments

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Mark Scotti - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Hope my "Aching Tooth" inspired this hilarious take, Andy! Well done, and I'll pay $555....
John Barry - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Grimly, or should I say "quimly?" funny.
alvin - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
hilarious...very well written...especially liked "just lactated" amd "fee for quim"
Andy Primus - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks Mark - it did. I wondered why you only did half the song so I looked at all the entries & found that all but 2 were of similar length to yours. It made me want to know whether you used a lyric sheet which didn't include the repeated parts or whether there is a short US edit that I've never heard. Can you get back to me on that if you see this.

Thanks John & Alvin
Mark Scotti - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Hi Andy. It was a single version that I had that I based it on. I like the longer version. I could have done a lot more with that....
Tommy Turtle - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Um, didn't *someone* bash moi yesterday for hanging with crack whores? Guess it was on yer mind ROFLMAO!

Edit, schmedit. There was a 2-3 minute version of American Pie that played at times for stations with stupid objections to TOS length, but it lost the whole point of the song. Anyone parodying the short AP here isn't gonna get a lot of props. ('Sides, long version was known as "DJ's Friend", as they could take a break/leak while it played.) I got bashed badly for doing Do-Re-Mi to lyrics provided by an agency of US Govt., which apparently were not the full OS from the movie. (No plug; you know how to check it out if you want.) DKTOS, short or long, but 555, and yeah, stick with the full.
Andy Primus - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks Mark
Thanks TT - I've never heard the radio edit of Pie but I agree with you that it would be pointless because the verses are all different. With this one (according to the lyrics that Mark used) they only removed the repeated verses so the song would still work to listen to (but wouldn't have worked so well for this parody)
Harry - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
excellent job on a superb OS by one of my fave bands. Loved the "boobs gone south". LOL. Entertaining!
Andy Primus - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks Harry
Phil Alexander - April 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Fantastic - definitely one of those that you can't believe nobody has thought of before. The "I look pretty ill 'cause my meal's a high" sub stood out for me: not funny, but beautifully-crafted.
Patrick - April 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Used to work in a neighborhood where women of that description plied their trade. Don't recall ever seeing anyone actually pick one up. But when a decoy cop (actual healthy looking feminine woman) was working, the gendarmes were pulling in suckers all night long. You're song captures what must be the desperation of a woman compelled to sell her soul and body. I've never figured out why a man would be so desperate to want to have physical contact with such a woman.
Andy Primus - April 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks Phil - I was surprised as well considering how obvious the title switch is. Glad no one had thought of it though

Thanks Patrick - I know what you mean. I wouldn't touch one even if I was single & it was offered for free.
Don't agree with decoy cops because I think it's entrapment. What if the only one the punter fancied was the cop. If she wasn't there then no crime would have been committed. That means to me that the cops have caused a crime so it's them that should be arrested
Decoy Cop - April 24, 2009 - Report this comment
Patrick: You'd think "healthy-looking" would be a dead give-away that it's a cop, not a real one, wouldn't you? Or notice the fact that the motel is like the "roach motel" of the ads -- men walk in, but no one ever walks back out the front door. But it seems men aren't thinking with the larger head at such times.

Andy Primus: Agree on the entrapment. That defense has been tried, with varying degrees of success. AFAIK, it hasn't ever made it to the Supreme Court, so there's no overriding precedent. Also, sometimes the cops "stretch' what was said a little bit, even when there has not yet been a direct offer of money for sex (the essential element of the "crime"), and sometimes the decoys get a little aggressive in suggestiveness to a wary prospect, then arrest him for accepting. You'd also think the decoy and all of those backing her up might find more serious "crimes" to fight, wouldn't you?

(Above is inside info -- I know someone on the vice squad -- T. Turtle)
Andy Primus - April 25, 2009 - Report this comment
TT - I certainly do think that they should spend their time fighting real crime. I don't know how your police system is run but ours is all about hitting government targets. It's easy to nick 30 johns and it increases their arrest totals by 30 in one go. I'm sure most people in the real world would say sod the small fry, go sort out the big fish. What's wrong with prostitution anyway? It seems to have been going on in every culture since written records began and probably longer. The woman wants to do it (usually for drug money) and the man wants to do it (usually because he's hammered on booze and/or desperate) so what's the problem. Everyone's a winner (unless you catch something nasty). Creates jobs as well. Without hookers what would all the young kids who aspire to be pimps or dealers do?

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