{Card Shuffling noises for opening intro}

Playing stud poker with guys from the bar
'Six', 'nine', and 'ten' I have been dealt so far
Then an 'eight' of diamonds; my very next card
All I need now is a 'seven'; a 'seven' would be just fine
Sit in my chair as I wait for the deal
Wear 'poker face'; shield my hand to conceal
Now here comes my last card; my thoughts do appeal
"Come on, please, give me a 'seven'; instead, I pick up a 'nine'..."

{more card shuffling noises in between sections}

Stuck with a 'pair' now; I squirm in my seat
Glancing around me; am sensing defeat
If I call with this hand I am surely dead meat
Wish that I had drawn that 'seven'; instead of this lousy 'nine'

{card shuffling noises again}

Curse and I swear as I toss in my cards
losing at poker to drunken retards
Drinking too much first was not very smart
Glance at the clock, it's eleven; the guy on my left just farts

{More card shuffling noises, voice of the dealer calling out the cards he has just dealt each player, various coughing, hacking, sinus-sniffling, nose-blowing, farting, belching, swearing, etc. sounds out to end Fade}