(instrumental opening)

Unger, my chum
the guy
whose wife left him down.
Unger, my chum
the guy
a man about town.

Now lives with me
and he don't like the sweatsuits I wear!
Felix, he thinks I'm a bum!
That's Unger, my chum!

Ain't it the truth, yikes!

Unger, my chum
the guy
who tries to make things neat.
Unger, my chum
the guy
who wiped that wall complete.

It was for me!
The phone numbers of the girls I know!
Angers me!
My fist will come
for Unger, my chum!

(Oh, it's all right!)

Unger, my chum
his sinuses
give him honking nose.
Unger, my chum
oh, no, oh, jeez
witty insults he'll lob.

Ticked off, that's me!
The way he whines when I come home late!
Boy, can't you see?
It feels so dumb
with Unger, my chum!

(Take it... easy, Oscar!)

(instrumental break)

Bet's now to me!
He don't like cigars at our poker game!
Pair of threes?
You bluffed, you bum?
That's Unger my chum!

(Oh, it's all right!)

Unger, my chum
photographer
gourmet and art buff.
Unger, my chum
his opera
of that, I've had enough!

Don't bother me!
Just let me watch TV
and drink my beer!
Let me be!
My day is done
now, Unger, my chum!

(Got to... use a coaster!)

Felix, it's all right!

(No, it's not!
Oh!
Rings! Rings! Rings!)

Felix, will ya relax?

(Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!)

Felix, Felix, Felix!

(instrumental fadeout)