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Song Parodies -> "Gwyneth Has A Rethink"

Original Song Title:

"Both Sides Now"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Joni Mitchell

Parody Song Title:

"Gwyneth Has A Rethink"

Parody Written by:

Stuart McArthur

The Lyrics

It's the Year 2030, and Gwyneth Paltrow is raising her 18 kids on her own, while hubby Chris Martin continues his 3-continent Coldplay Re-Union Tour. A depressed Gwyneth leaves him a message on his voicemail


Hello Chris • I hope you're well
but gee our kids are raising hell
Apple's room has got this smell
and Plum is failing Math

Carrot can't make friends at school
and Nectarine drowned in the pool
Lime and Lychee play the fool
(I wish I still was Plath)

I've looked at life from both sides now
from movie star • from fat old cow
Persimmon's tantrums make me bawl
I don't like playing Mum - at all

Fig and Date and Cantelope
just lock their doors and smoke bad dope
Gooseberry, well she's just hope-
less, nothing's happ'ning there

Pomegranate's got this scar
and beats me where the ‘Berries are
Kumquat took them in his car
but can't remember where

I've looked at life from both sides now
from A-List star • from mum (somehow)
I'm sorry Chris to make this call
but I can't nail this role - at all

So, um - I hope you don't mind babe if
I sell Peach to the white slavers
oh, and little Pinot Grape is
somewhere at the mall

Hope, my darling, you won't mind
if I smack Prickly Pear's behind
sure would help me to unwind
to ram him through a wall

I'm sick of life on this side now
it all went wrong - I don't know how
I once felt a maternal call
but now I don't feel much - at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
from movie star • from not-one now
My Oscar triumph I recall
But now I just do bug • ger all

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 42

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2
 2
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   1
 0
 0
 
 4   3
 2
 3
 
 5   37
 38
 37
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Ashkicksass - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
SOOOOO clever! And ripe with fruity freshness. What a delicious treat, Stu!
Arwen - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
Gotta agree, against all odds, with Ash...this is hilarious, Stuart!!
Kristof Robertson - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
Honestly Stu, where do I start? This is a DIAMOND of a parody, mate...one of your best, and that's saying something. Bravo! 555
John Barry - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
This one bore fruit. Hilarious.
alvin rhodes - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
gwyn made me grin
Stuart McArthur - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
thanks Ash - Gwyneth has always been full of fruitiness

thanks Arwen - I should introduce you two - you'd hit it off

Good on you, Kristof, my ex-pat cool cat

thanks John and alvin :-) :-)
Spaff.com - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
What Kristof said. Fantastic.
Stuart McArthur - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
thanks Spaff (and thanks for educating Jeff re Monkees/Beatles - I was trying to work out how to) (and thanks for revealing "Smells Like Dead Babies" to me - wow!)
Johnny D - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
Stu's muse sounds like angel hair
And Three-Stooge castles in the air
And leathered canyons' underwear
I've read Stu's stuff THAT way
But now our minds our Stu doth blow
With lampoonation of Paltrow
His ideas' source, no one can know
Our Stu's just weird that way
I've read Stu's stuff from both sides now
With loud guffaws and still somehow
It's Stu's allusions I love most
He really ought to proud--ly boast!
Stuart McArthur - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
Johnny! I'm quite taken aback! - thankyou so much - you were the first author I checked out on this site (from the author's page) so I'm humbled that you would write that....and I loved the Joni references: ladies of the canyon, etc...and God knows what source I used - I just wanted to "lampoonate" Gwyneth's choice of Apple for her kid's name :-)
John Jenkins - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
All the verses were very good by themselves, and they combined to make a peach of a parody.
Jonathan C. - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
Still unaccounted for: Watermelon, Honey Dew, Date, Raisin, Prune, Coconut, Banana, Grapefruit, Passion Fruit, "Black" Currant, Pineapple, Kiwi, Avacado, Apricot, Mango (who looks like Chris Kattan and not Chris Martin), and the ever stinky Durian. :)
Leo Jay - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
This is brilliant. So original and clever, and it reads/sings so well. In fact, Gwyny has a something of a voice, fairly Joni-like, too -- I'd love to hear her sing it. The alternating choruses are fantastic.
Stuart McArthur - February 04, 2005 - Report this comment
thanks John - peachy was what I wanted

thanks Jonathon. LOL at the Chris Kattan/mango and I thought about Durian, but didn't know how many people would know it - and Date IS accounted for (see verse 4) - I picked fruit that would sound most ridiculous calling them in for dinner :-)

thanks Leo, on the back of your parody to the same OS, you know the process - and yes, I heard Gwyneth plaintively singing it as I wrote it - I excluded Hughie Lewis's contribution though :-)
Claude Prez - February 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Thinking of doing a parody to this song, and ran across this. Absolutely hilarious.
Stuart McArthur - February 11, 2005 - Report this comment
thanks Claude! good luck with yours :-)
Kristof Robertson - March 02, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) If this isn't a contender for a medal, I'll give the game away....brilliant work, Stu
Guy - March 04, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Only way you could have done better would have been to name one of them Orange and catch a rhyme for that word. Absolutely loved this.
Adagio - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) DKTOS, but from the comments and my own just reading the words....this is really good.
Charlie Decker - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) 555 from a Joni fan. Very very funy stuff.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Ingenius stuff, artfully written and enjoyable to read.
(Who could have thought a popped cherry pops out an Apple?)
Scathe - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(sotm) I really don't understand this one.
Kristof Robertson - March 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Scathe...the joke is that Gwyn and Chris named their first baby Apple, so why not name all their kids after fruit and veg?...Stuart sets the scenario in the prologue where Gwynnie's given up stardom for motherhood and things ain't working out....I should stop now; Stuart should be doing this....:-)
Stuart McArthur - March 11, 2005 - Report this comment
* formally steps in, on cue*

thankyou, Kristof, ta....

ahem, what Kristof said....
but I should stop now; Gwyneth herself should be denying this.....:-)

http://in.news.yahoo.com/050227/43/2jv8k.html
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
I hope the kid becomes a famous mathematician and discover some easy formula based on pi, then all students down the road from there will have to learn the Famous American Apple Pi Formula...
Spaff.com - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
What Spaff said about what Kristof said. And now ditto what so many others have said. So many great bits that it would be pointless to try to list them. This has become one of my favorite parodies on the site.
Johnny D - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) What Johnny D said about what Stuart wrote about what Gwyneth hypothetically might do.
Brian - March 18, 2005 - Report this comment
Gwyneth is my favorite actress, and this is one of my favorite parodies!
Stuart McArthur - March 18, 2005 - Report this comment
thankyou Brian! - and huge thanks for the shout-out on Apricot's thread, and the link you posted to this :-)
Stuart McArthur - March 19, 2005 - Report this comment
oh, and thanks K1, Spaff and JD :-)
Rex - March 20, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Maybe Gwyneth could star in "18 Is Enough"?
Arwen - March 21, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--as much as I would like to be really petty and pretend this stinks...I can't. It's definitely one of the best songs of the month...(in many months, really) As much as I tried to stifle it...I couldn't stop myself from L-ing OL...
Stuart McArthur - March 21, 2005 - Report this comment
thanks Rex
and thanks Arwen - I appreciate it :-)
Claude Prez - March 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Heh heh. You said "Kumquat". I've had a rethink myself, about writing a parody to this. Even better this time around.
2nz - March 31, 2005 - Report this comment

I do not like green kids now, Chris
I do not like them Chris, I'm pissed
Excellently creative, Stu. One of your best.
Tim Mayfield - March 31, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Guess I'll have to rethink my child names now, huh?
Michael Pacholek - April 01, 2005 - Report this comment
I don't know how I missed this one -- though I did a similar song, imagining Britney and her first husband in the future, turning Harry Chapin's "Taxi" into "Toxic" -- but it makes me glad that my parents weren't hippies. I was born in '69, so the possibilities were, if not endless like they are today, then certainly dangerous. I could have ended up as Che Starchild Pacholek!
Stuart McArthur - April 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks again, Claude, 2nz :-), Tim, and Michael
FEBRUARY 2005 SONG OF THE MONTH GOLD MEDAL - April 08, 2005 - Report this comment
http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3009.0;id=4869;image
Dee Range - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
This is so good it would make Spaff's hit list, and that is just about impossible for the rest of us. Absolutely one of my 5 favorite parodies on this site. Brilliant just barely does this justice, mate. Bravo
Stuart McArthur - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
wow, thanks Dee - you were my first commenter on my first parody ("You Decide" to "Lyin' Eyes" in October) and your encouraging comment then was one of the reasons I submitted a second one - so I've a lot to thank you for (not to mention being envious of your pacing average!!) :-)
Stuart McArthur - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
just to avoid seeming to make a liar out of myself Dee, my first parody was submitted under a wrong spelling of my name, so I then resubmitted the same song under my real spelling - so the one I'm referring to is at
http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/eagles39.shtml
Red Ant - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 2005) I don't follow celebrity personals much but thankfully I didn't have to with this; very funny work mocking silly celebrity names. 555
Agrimorfee - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 05) First time reading...how did I miss this one? DKTOS, but it doesn't matter at all. What an original idea, carried through so cleverly. Very good, throw another 555 on the barbie...
Spaff.com - March 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Still one of my favorite parodies ever, s2uart, and good catch on the Sylvia Plath line, which I don't think anyone has mentioned yet. And thanks, Dee; I'm honored to be compared to this this kind of top-notch stuff.
Agimorfee - May 12, 2006 - Report this comment
(slammin hollywood contest) This was one of my faves from last year...doesn't slam Gwyneth too hard, the point of this contest, but still a lot fo fun.
bobpiecheese - May 18, 2006 - Report this comment
(slammin hollywood) I'm not in touch with the media much, but this was hilarious. The last line was classic "But now I just do bug • ger all". Revealing your Aussie self there, aren't ya?
Red Ant - May 20, 2006 - Report this comment
(Slammin' Hollywood) See above!
Matthias - May 20, 2006 - Report this comment
(Slam It) Wow!!!! That's a but load of kids..... Name's that I liked are... Prickily Pear, Persimmon, Gooseberry, Pomegranate..... Hell all of them!!!! Great one Stu!!!!
Guy - November 16, 2007 - Report this comment
ABC4 (G) She doesn't have a family she has a truck farm.

I once knew a lady who named all her kids Leroy. It made things easy. She`d say Leroy! Time for bed. They`d all go to bed. She`d say Leroy! Come and eat dinner and they`d all come to dinner. Someone asked her what she did when she wanted to address only one of them as an individual. She said that's easy. I just call them by they're last name.
Agrimorfee - November 19, 2007 - Report this comment
(ABC4) This star still shines.
Below Average Dave (badave.com) - November 22, 2007 - Report this comment
(ABCG) Always fun to poke Celebrities inflated issues. . .It's a good parody, and though good may not sound like much, considering the quality of your collection, Good for you would be Amazing for most the rest of us.
bobpiecheese - November 26, 2007 - Report this comment
(ABC4G) Still as awesome as it was back then!
Matthias - November 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Heh, heh, heh, heh... See above.
Kristof Robertson - November 27, 2007 - Report this comment
(ABC4-G) Lord, this brings back memories, Stu! This could be classified as an Amiright Classic now, mate...although the story's old as, the humour's still fresh.
Mikey Squirrel - November 28, 2007 - Report this comment
ABC- Wow I hope that this won't actually be the case in the year 2030. I mean, that's alot of fruity kids! Very clever and well done, Stu.
Jack Wilson - December 03, 2007 - Report this comment
This is HILARIOUS,5a

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