One square is sufficient
when it’s time for you to wipe
And you can’t use wads of Charmin
if you buy into the hype
spread by experts
such as Cheryl Crow

You insist you’ll save our planet
but Uranus comes to mind
Cuz the rings that circle Saturn
look like those on your behind
left by one square
wiping down below

We must use less toilet paper
or the planet’s going to burst
I’d be more inclined to do so
if I thought you’d do it first
but you’re a liberal
and it’s all for show

Where’d you green-clad Chicken-Littles
get the right to give commands?
If our toilet paper’s so bad
then it’s time you made a stand -
by complying with your own demands
Use your hands! Use your hands! Use your hands!