I'm Britain, Britain Great, I am
History as taught, American: [1]
Got invaded by the fellas next door [2]
Re-invaded by a couple more [3]
Not everyone came from Brittany (Brittany!)
Nobody came from Chile or Japan (No San!)
I'm the archetype of venery
Britain, Britain Great, I am!

(Second curse, worse than the first)

I'm Duke of Norman-dy, Yes, sir!
Also known as William, Con-quer-er [4]
I invaded islands 'cross the shore
Earned their enmity for-evermore
In 1215 was the Carta Great [5]
A marriage brought division from the Pope (elope!) [6]
Had a few folks whine of tyranny [7]
Britain, Britain Great, I am!

I'm Emper-ess of India [8]
Alexan-dri-na, Victoria
Public lewdness is what I abhor
Jump ahead to Second War [9]
Then every bike was a Yamaha [10]
They wouldn't have a Triumph or Nor-man (No, man!)
Though invasion leads to penury, [11]
Maybe next: invade Iran!

UK, now know why
HIstory (history)
Mystery (mystery):
US schools don't give a da*n!


[1] Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there were a bunch of primitive people living in the British Isles.

[2] The Romans invaded Britain during their big Empire thing, whenever that was, giving rise to the Empire dress.

[3] A few hundred years later, the WASs (White Anglo-Saxons) invaded the Roman Empire, causing both the fall of the Empire and also the fall of the Empire Dress on its inhabitants. This also resulted in widespread Vandalism throughout the former Roman Empire.

[4] In 1066, the Normans invaded Britain, so straining Franco-Anglican relations that in England, syphilis was known as "The French Disease", whereas in France, it was known as "The English Disease". By contrast, Franco-American relations were so cordial that a joint venture was launched to produce canned spaghetti, and what were known as "chips" in the UK would be called "French Fries" in the US. This cordiality would last until the French refused to invade Iraq, after which Franco-American spaghetti was replaced by Chef Boyardee, so spelled because the Chef's real name, Boiardi, had Mafia implications. The name "French Fries" was more problematic in the US, as the Americans had already assigned the name "chips" to thin, ovoid slices of potato deep-fried in hot preservatives; therefore, the problem was avoided altogether by the invention of the Combo Meal, consisting of a hamburger (named to honor the US's perennially-cordial relations with Germany, as were the Frankfurter and the German Measles), some of those greasy potato-things, and a very large plastic cup of artificially- flavored, colored sugar-water. The British, however, swore undying revenge against the French and anyone named Frank, including Sinatra. The name "Norman" itself, however, curiously evaded this onus, as evidenced by such noted British names as Archie Norman, Barry Norman, Monty Norman, and the Norman motorcycle.

[5] In 1215, the Magna Carta was signed, the first revolving-credit agreement among the British Crown and nobility. This innovation gave rise to Carta Blanche, the first credit card, and to another such card, British Express, though the latter was subsequently changed to American Express (cf. "American Revolution", infra.)

[6] In the 1530s, as Professors Merry and Pippin have noted, Henry VIII split the Anglican Church from the Catholic Church, causing the former WASs to become WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). This break subsequently would be furthered by Martin Luther, progenitor of the most noted of the WASPs, Martin Luther King, Jr.

[7] Nothing much else happened until July 2, 1776, when the American Congress passed the Lee Resolution declaring the Colonies to be independent of the British Crown. As Founding Father and second POTUS John Adams wrote:

"The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward for evermore."

However, the picnics and massive fireworks displays traditionally used to show devotion to God Almighty were rained out; hence, July 4 has become the traditional day of observance.

The British monarch, King George III, cast a curse upon the new nation, declaring that one day it would have its own King George who would do to the American people everything that they had accused him of doing to them.

[8] Some time during the 1800s (no one is sure exactly when), the UK had a monarch, Queen Victoria, who gave her name both to an era and to an adjective denoting prudery, although she is said to have said once, "I don't care what people do, so long as they don't do it in the street and scare the horses."

[9] In 1944, the British finally got the revenge they had sworn against the Normans almost nine centuries earlier, by the massive invasion of Normandy. Unfortunately, the British had waited so long that by this time, Normandy was occupied by the Germans.

[10] During the 1960s, the Japanese invaded the UK with large fleets of fast, reliable, inexpensive motorcycles, nearly extincting the Norman, Triumph, and BSA in what became known as the Ricewagon Invasion. The invasion extended to the US, causing the Harley-Davidson family-owned business to be sold to a bowling alley.

[11] The British swore revenge on the Japanese, which they finally achieved by joining the American forces in invading Iraq, or so they thought, due to numerous typographical errors typical in London's previously-prestigious newspaper, "The Times", since its aquisition in 1981 by Rupert Murdoch, also owner of the US's elite Fox Network, home of the innovative series, "Married With Children", and of the leading US news source, Fox News Network. "The Times" repeatedly referred to the "Iraqi People" as the "Iraki People", causing natural confusion with such famous Japanese as Ayase Haruka, Gotō Maki, Itō Misaki, and super-hot model Sawajiri Erika, and it also confused Tikrit with Tokyo.

And there you have it.