Do you feel old tonight? Is your ulcer alight?
Do you have on your long underwear?
Does your memory stray to that long distant day
When you had all your teeth and your hair?
Is your memory blurry? Forgetting odd things?
The phone's in the freezer, your keys in the bin.
Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, do you feel old tonight?

Is your blood pressure high? Cataracts in the eye?
Are you eating your prunes and your bran?
All that high fibre fruit Metamucil to boot
And you don't dare go far from the can
Are your waterworks leaking? You don't dare to sneeze
Are your hot flushes making you long for a breeze?
So your gallbladder's gone, but the wind lingers on
Tell me dear, do you feel old tonight?

Now the romance has fled, without Viagra it's dead
He knows where it's at what's it for?
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right
Then you get his great baritone snore
He once was romantic, so witty and smart
Now he's become such a cranky old fart
But don't feel so bad, you could always be dead
Tell me dear, do you feel old tonight?