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Song Parodies -> "Beat Your Children"

Original Song Title:

"Teach Your Children"

Original Performer:

Crosby, Stills & Nash

Parody Song Title:

"Beat Your Children"

Parody Written by:

Rick Duncan

The Lyrics

At a very young age, my children learned how to behave in places where people were eating. Once, I took my 2-yr-old outside and held her in the air until she promised not to make a fuss in a restaurant. She remembers that to this day, and I never had to do it again. This song is a big exaggeration, but we all know parents who wonder why their brats misbehave so in public. (Lines in parent-heses are the backup parts)
You---who go dining out
Know that to shout
Is anti-social
And so, when children come
Don't act so dumb
When they get too vocal

Beat your children well
Your private hell
Shouldn't get exposure
Do it before you go
A simple blow
Insures mouth closure

By the time they get to dine
No one has to hear them whine
For they understand that line
And don't dare cross it

And you of tender rears (can you hear and)
Now know the tears (do you see a)
From your elders' whipping (crying brat she's)
You'll get revenge (not with me and)
On down the road (take that kid off)
When you unload (to the head and)
On your own offspring (shut her up or I might have to...)

Beat your children well
Their private hell
Is just a lesson
Do it before they grow
Then they will know
With whom they're messin'

By the time they get to dine
No one has to hear them whine
For they understand that line
And don't dare cross it

(Whiney pedal steel outro), while it's still here. Under RAD & MAD. Okay, I'm done Nashing my teeth for today.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   3

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Leah Lockhart - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
I LOVE this. My biggest pet peave is kids in public who act like brats. Although, having worked with abused children I'd say "beat" is going a little far-- the result in that case isn't pretty either. But I get the joke. Great job.
Johnny D - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Excellent pacing = 5
Beating uppity kids, "funny" = 3
Overall parental moral-of-the-story on tough love = 5

Tough to get past some rough words, but otherwise very well done.
Rick D - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
I knew just the word "beat" would get strong reactions, but I needed the close rhyme, And sometime you have to beat a message into someone (metaphorically, of course) to get it across. Pet peeves are great inspiration, but sometimes not funny. That's why I put the other Nash song on here, to balance it.
Guy - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Fear of God will spoil the wild..I get the joke too. Gave you a 4 on funny though.
Leah Lockhart - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
We know what you meant, Rick. Just one of those know-your-audience situations, but you knew that. Few people seem to understand that being overly permissive is abuse in itself, so your point is well taken.
Johnny D - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
I agree with Leah, Rick - lack of discipline amounts to abuse. That's why I gave you a 5 for Overall - your overall message rings true, loud and clear.
Adagio - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Well, I do agree with all of the above comments. Some poor kids either get beat or lack the discipline to go through life as a whole human being...sometimes both. Good parody and point taken.
Claude Prez - November 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Great title; not quite violent enough though.
Diva - November 26, 2003 - Report this comment
Wow! I can I identify with this topic! Great job!
Paul Robinson - November 26, 2003 - Report this comment
Rick D - Yeah, good job! My brother did this a long time ago, only he used "Beat your children well, _they'll go to hell, if you don't pound them..." but I don't remember how the rest of it went. 555.
Rod Worden - April 04, 2004 - Report this comment
Probably my favorite CSN tune. I like as much as I hate screaming kids at dinner. Good job, Rick. 555 whacks.

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