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Song Parodies -> "Dental-Achin’ Woe"

Original Song Title:

"Desolation Row"

Original Performer:

Bob Dylan

Parody Song Title:

"Dental-Achin’ Woe"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

Leo Keough prefaced his “This Ole Wasteland Show,” with: “I can’t say I wasn't warned about how tough it would be to parody this OS. In my opinion, this one was harder than any of the “Big 7.” After my third shot at it, and having done the 7, I couldn’t agree more. Speaking of the Wasteland, a shameless self-plug for mine: http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/tseliot1.shtml
They’re hellish—so hard, lovely snacking
They ache an’ I pass on [ground] round
The toothy partners like baleful jailors
They circle all around
Near comes some fine comida—sure!!
They’ve got me wrapped in bands
Can’t stand the ties that are bite-bones halters
I’d rather dig pits in sand
And I diet ’cause it’s feckless
To eat. . .teeth paining so
I’m breaking out in a sweat each night
From dental-achin’ woe

Fixing fella has deemed it “easy.
“I’ll make gums and rows hum,” he smiles
Then puts the bands on my back chompers
Breath he sprays is vile.
“It’s ‘nuts’ to homeo[pathy]!” I’m groaning
“It be wrong for me; guys deceive
When some bums they’ve got a strong case. . .dead end.
To lessen grieve
I will only down a heft-y
Potent anodyning dose!”
Bitching fella is teeth-things--stuck
With dental-achin’ woes

Now my fruit’s not close to bitten
I can’t part the skin. . .nix incised
Good fortune’s welcome ’scapes me
Damn eating! . . .crave to be anesthetized
Anesthetic—pain disabled
And I’d punch smack in opened vein
Gets the body way up above
Unpleasant vexing pain
Not good, though, is a heroin session
You get set yet better get mo’
I’m “no”ing to the hard-carnal delight
For dental-braces woe

So woephilia I wish to winnow
I’ve “peur”—that’s French for “afraid”
I’m a gent bereft of mirth day
Cease?! Nix, I’m ready for dope aid
I curse men who bite those apples
They tear with iron dents
Their ingestion has no restriction
Surge in with their tining rents
And so, these ties are fixed upon
Molars. Great pain—Oh!
Me rend a lime? Eating
Brings on dental-achin’ woe

Dine time brings cries and slobberhood
Wicked dentistry seems like bunk
Bad decay brings horror, though
Fixing mends—in metal’s dunked
I was so inaccurately biteful
Badly gums were rigid set
So dentist offered to straight, right
I’d be biting sans big regret
Chow is good if cooked till vitamins
Run out but pain is gone also
I’m paying for dentin-strip violence
Got dental-achin’ woe

Glom a fifth of cheap gin, swirl
Inside of a lender cup
Drunk bawling dental patient
I’m crying then throwing up
How I curse, a vocal ’buser
Scream RE: large ruts: “enamelcide holes”
“Damn!” I squall and reap regards like these:
“This turkey’s such a troll!”
They would send me penned epistles
That would sneer and crow
“Nix the screams, we’re all wrench with harm enough
Too, dental-achin’ woe!”

In doc’s nice suite, all ail, are hurtin’
And getting ready to get fleeced
They’re handing over dollars
For perfect fixing of their teeth.
I’m spoonfeeding pablum over
My dents till they’re healed and insured
And they’re filled with a swell composite
And I’ll be joyous, tin-grin abjured
Just a phantom, lousy, tinny twirls
Be outta here—in two years, though!
Pablum over; till then, punishment’s ongoing
Screw dental-phases woe!

Crown in mid-bite of the bacon
(Should be soup ’r cumin stew)
Came off till found in effluent
Damn! go to get a new
Then they bring one from the factory
(Must depart hard snacks, I ween
Some crap’s like rocks and boulders
Stick to stewed carrots, beans)
It’s got to be a hassle
To insure crown won’t off blow
Check to see its gold body isn’t scraping
More dental-achin’ woe!

Graze me a hero. Nyet prunes!
When my manic wails are gone
I’ll forget naughty shouting
Big side. . .jumbo prawns
Had etched ’em down with tea, fressed jelly—rot
Grinding-with-abandon power
I had ipso facto damaging
My fixer man o’erpowers
His steamy wind blows onto me
Fare from lunch minutes ago
And oh, buddy, does that stink too much!
Sauerkraut! Breath-aeration? No!!

Yes, I received the reck’ning yesterday
He’ll rout my dimes. . .a poor slob, broke
’stead of bask in how I’m ruing
Some grass I find to smoke
Pay the creep off with my pension
Then I go to a night game
The batter fouls one to my face; it’s
A little ball, but it can maim
Bite down. . .I don’t feel so good
So send me over to dentist schmoe
Not again! Tooth ailin’
From dental-breakin’ blow



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User Comments

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Rob Arndt - September 07, 2012 - Report this comment
555 on your "Achey Breaky Toothy" ;-)
Nite Owl - September 07, 2012 - Report this comment
Painfully funny - I could tell you about all the problems I have had with dentists, but then I would have a half a dozen or so lawsuits to contend with.
Dee Range - September 07, 2012 - Report this comment
Having tackled this monster twice, I agree: one of the hardest to parody. But this is masterful work, with so many perfect subs it amazes me. Some of your very best work John!
Meriadoc - September 08, 2012 - Report this comment
This is wonderful JB! "Inaccurately biteful" was my favorite couplet. And I got a chuckle to see that you put 'ipso facto' in the same spot that we did when we did this parody so many years ago. Yes, this ought to be in the big seven (of which I can only think of five anyway). I wonder why dentists always have bad breath?

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