Olympic Swimmer from Nevada

Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh,
Never meant to leave Nevada.
Fell asleep on, a Beijing airflight
This 5 ring tracksuit sure looks cute but man it feels tight.

I am helping, the US swim team.
12,000 cals a day, I’m always eating.
They have scheduled me, into their training,
Even though I only majored in profaning.

They reckon my swim-aids, are so creative.
My little speedo shorts, so understated.
Pink mask and snorkel pipe, nice retro touch,
But they don’t appre-ci-ate my athletes foot.

Michael Phelps is now, my new best buddy.
He doesn’t think my style, is awful cruddy.
In his eyes I am, some kind of hero,
He says it takes a lot of nerve to keep a zero.

Too and fro, can’t swim much harder.
I’m so slow, it feels like murder.
Need a tow. Feel free to grab my vest. I’m all respiratry depressed.
I’m sure I’m developing ‘the bends’,
as I tumble-turn the ends.
My bod aint doin what it oughta, I’m taking on board water,
Not waving - drowning – pleeeeeeze.
(blub-blub-blub drowning noises)

All the papers read, “Olympic Idol”.
That’s my mate Mike. His bow waves tidal.
Held in awe by all of the Nation.
Body preserved for all time by chlorination.

Dearest Fadduh, darling muddah,
Swimming back home to Nevada.
In case of leg cramp, failure to float,
Kindly ask my Beijing buddies for a boat.