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Song Parodies -> "Red Starbucks Cup"

Original Song Title:

"Red Solo Cup"

Original Performer:

Toby Keith

Parody Song Title:

"Red Starbucks Cup"

Parody Written by:

Matthias

The Lyrics

Starbucks is serving overpriced coffee in plain red cups? ANARCHY!!! IT'S THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!!!
These red Starbucks cups made Rudolph a criminal
Green pointy shoes, flying sleighs and snow are minimal
We're disturbed by these cups since they are despicable
Because your soy lattes are "CRAP!!!"

That red Starbucks cup is deemed inexcusable
Tay Swift's "Starbucks lovers" are near institutional
With mouths full of foam, Rabies are irrefutable
"SANTA CLAUS AIN'T ON MY FRAP!!!"
Boo!!!

Red Starbucks Cup! We're going nuts!
You'll hear us venting! Size isn't Venti!
We loathe you Red Starbucks Cup! Christmas was mugged!
That color's gaudy! So thanks a latte!!!

We want Hanukkah so a Menorah you'll add
But then you will make all the Africans mad
Then Mormons all frown, Agnostics talk smack
"Well... That's why we went with... Nothing"

Well, I know just the trick say my name's "Merry Christmas"
But you wrote with your Sharpie that my name is "Listless"
Dude, Don't shove down my throat all of your P.C-ness
Wait, scratch that, that just sounds... naughty

Red Starbucks Cup! We're all fed up!
Not Holly Jolly! A Grande Folly!
We loathe you Red Starbucks Cup! Spent twenty bucks!
On Decaf Coffee! It's "Death to Frosty!"

Now that Donald Trump dude said: "Let's boycott these weirdos!"
"There's no doodled sled?! My intake is zero!
Kick our caffeine habits, Pour out my espresso!
Because now our X-Mas is doomed!"

Red Starbucks Cup, You're worse than pathetic
Even Scrooge is shaming: Your bloody aesthetics
Your company's not all that apologetic
When they jot down the wrong name:
"Red Starbucks Cup... You're more than messed up... (Ho, ho, Oh-no)
You're Sa... You're Satan, yeah (Hell spawn)
Hashtags will have your reign end!"

Red Starbucks Cup! You hunk of junk!
We'll form an army! A Christmas army!
I loathe you Red Starbucks Cup! You will be chucked!
Like our John McClane, Yell "Yippie-Ki-Yay!"

Red Starbucks Cup! You will be crushed!
You made us rowdy! Now we are drowsy!
Red Starbucks Cup! You "Stink, stank, stunk!"
Now we need coffee! Please give us coffee!
My security code is "VHS" maybe I should make this into a movie...

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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User Comments

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Michael Pacholek - November 11, 2015 - Report this comment
Starbucks stores are loaded with Christmas decorations and even Advent calendars. These so-called Christians are making trouble where none existed. Their prayers don't seem to have convinced God to give them the sense He gave rocks. Unless you're a hockey or soccer fan, you shouldn't be getting that worked-up over a cup.
Rob Arndt - November 11, 2015 - Report this comment
MP, I agree with you in principal, but before going too far look at the Starbuck's logo. The friendly Mermaid is not one. It is a Siren that lures men to their deaths (no Mermaid has twin tails). Her crown and long hair covering her naked body represent female empowerment. The circle-within-a-circle with the two stars on opposing sides is the old Ordo Baphometis or Order of Satan! Circles of these type typically represent secret societies. And the color green here is NOT of the earth but represents money and affluence. So, one can say that Starbuck's promotes the occult and worship of money. Btw, red historically represents both blood and war! As for Santa, the Xmas tree, and Krampus... they are of German pagan origin adopted by many nations worldwide. Jesus wasn't born in December either, but during the High Holy Days, Tishri, probably on Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) which would be Sept/Oct 7BC when both the Roman Census was in effect AND the alignment of Saturn and Jupiter produced the "Bethlehem Star" that the Magi followed! 555 oz of hot coffee for you!!!
Rob Arndt - November 11, 2015 - Report this comment
The 555 went to you Matthias for the parody, but also a 555 for MP's comment on the loon who I saw on CNN. This guy also accused Obama of pretending to be a Christian to get elected and has been online with pics of a gun saying "make war on Gays!" I wouldn't call him a real Christian at all but an attention seeker...
Jonathan - November 11, 2015 - Report this comment
555 and Merry Christmas!
Patrick - November 12, 2015 - Report this comment
I don't drink coffee, so I have no stake in a controversy I can't understand to begin with. Rob's explanation makes as much sense as any. A lady I know, and have written about here, has detected sinister meaning in the decorative reliefs on a quartet of giant vases flanking the entrances to Kansas City's Liberty Memorial (The Nation's Official WWI Museum). They look like laurel or olive leaves to me. The official web site states they are military symbols. I can't even detect that.
Peter Andersson - November 15, 2015 - Report this comment
I'm with the Tea Party on this one - coffee parlors all have satanic prizes!
Matthias - November 16, 2015 - Report this comment
Ladies and Gentlemen... The Recording: http://www.ogterps.com/starbucks/Red%20Starbucks%20Cup.m4a
bobpiecheese - September 15, 2016 - Report this comment
(ABC) Could've sworn I left a comment on this one...maybe I'm conflating a parody of the same song with another parody about the same topic. Ah well. Hilarious satire of this overblown "controversy". Never fails to amuse me how these sorts of people dismiss genuine concerns of a lack of representation as folks being "too sensitive", but as soon as their level of pandering drops to 99% they immediately start ranting that they're the oppressed ones. 555 free lattes!
Abbott Skelding - September 17, 2016 - Report this comment
Very funny stuff! Great rhymes through out (venting/venti, gaudy/latte). Nicely done, good sir!
Agrimorfee - September 17, 2016 - Report this comment
I never understood any of that news story, but your parody was quite funny even so long after the fact, due to the great rhymes and incorporating so many cafe terms so punningly in the mix.

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