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Song Parodies -> "Can't Wield That Mace"

Original Song Title:

"Can't Feel My Face"

Original Performer:

The Weeknd

Parody Song Title:

"Can't Wield That Mace"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "50 Shades of Pop" self-challenge. An adventurer tries to take a quest from some sort of quest-giver...but he's not happy with one of the conditions...
As a swordsman I'm the best, you see, can cleave a fly in half
Whether standard size, as long as me or double-bladed, bud
So why won't you let me use a sword? I'll get the mission done
With one blo-ow, yeah, just one blo-ow
A sword is too go-ory? I doubt it
Won't make a good sto-ory? I'm sure
Say there's an ove-erflow of swordsmen?
Tryna force my wea-eapon choice, it blows, oh, oh, ooh

I can't wield that mace you want me to-o
Just a bludgeon used for bludgin' foe-oes
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o
I'm not budgin' on that bludgeon, no-o

What's your big problem with archery? Two arrows, job is done
I'd be happy with an axe or three, but you say no? That's dumb
I'm not up on magic bullshit cause it keeps blowin' me u-up
But it's so-o (yeah, it's so-o) much less gau-au-au-auche
Than to whack a cu-udgel on some git
Seems a bit too fo-orceful, but no-o
You just won't let me-e go and kill shit
Without this crap wea-eapon, it still blows (uh), oh (uh), oh (uh), ooh

I can't wield that mace you want me to-o
Don't like bludgeons, don't like bludgin' foe-oes
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (I can't wield that ma-ace)
I'm not budgin' (I ain't budgin')
On this subject, no-o (I won't wield that mace)
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (not my style, dude)
I won't bludgeon (I won't bludgeon, yeah)
You curmudgeon (damn curmudgeon), no-o (I won't wield that mace)
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (I just can't, dude)
I can't function (I can't function)
With a bludgeon (with a bludgeon), no-o

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
May be actin' stu-upid about this
Not really impo-ortant, I know
But you can't say "do-on't thro-ow (do-on't thro-ow) a tantrum"
When you kinda thre-ew o-one of your own, oh, oh
Ooh

I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (sword, yes, but no mace)
There's no budget (got no budget, yeah)
So don't worry (about money, yeah), no-o
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (not gonna use a mace, nah)
You're not budgin' (you ain't budgin')
What's your problem (your big problem), bro-o? (I won't wield that mace)
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (what's wrong with you?)
I can't bludgeon (I can't bludgeon, yeah)
No skull crushin' (line, that's crossin'), no-o (I won't wield that mace)
I can't wield that mace you want me to-o (that I won't do) (let me kill my way, jerk)
There's no reason (there's no reason, mate)
That you're givin' (none that you're givin', mate), no-o
So give me a break

Uh
Uh, uh, ah
Uh, uh, hey

Jury's out on whether warhammer's are okay or not. Maces are generally more pointy than hammers, so that'd be more needlessly violent than just a straight thwack on the head. Also: why is the best The Weeknd song the lowest on the Billboard list? Yeah, it's #12, but still.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 27

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
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 2   0
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 3   2
 2
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 4   1
 1
 1
 
 5   24
 24
 24
 

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