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Song Parodies -> "Settle Down"

Original Song Title:

"Better Now"

Original Performer:

Post Malone

Parody Song Title:

"Settle Down"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Turnin' It Up" self-challenge. Don't tone-police in an emergency situation. This is what is technically known as "being a douchewaffle"
No, I'm afraid that I won't settle down, settle down
There's no way that I could be calm right now, calm right now
How are you possibly not freakin' out, freakin' out?
Cause it's just an awful thing, most terrible, frightful thing
Which is the reason I won't settle down, settle down
Not possible to become calm right now, calm right now
I don't know how you're still not freakin' out, freakin' out
When I tell you 'bout this thing, you'll agree it's a bad thing, ooh-whoa-oh-oh

But before I tell you what it is, though
I've got to take issue with your shit tone
Really want to call your manner glib, though
That word's meanin's real hard to describe, so
I'll simply explain what about it gets me riled
It feels like you're lookin' right through me, x-ray style
You've up and ignored the twitchy look in my eyes
And said it's "improper" to talk loud, it's "not right"
I'm not sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
That I'm overcome with worry, worry
It's a thing I do when my eyes notice
A sign that we all could be dead as shit

So there's no way that I will settle down, settle down
How dare you ask me to be calm right now, calm right now?
It's natural to be here freakin' out, freakin' out
At this really crazy thing, absolutely freaky thing
You always tell my ass to settle down, settle down
The slightest noise and you're "be calm right now, calm right now
Not rational to be here freakin' out, freakin' out"
Have you even seen this thing? It's a monstrous crazy thing, ooh-whoa-oh-oh

It honestly seems pretty rude
To see me lose all of my cool
And then instead of list'nin', you
Call me "untidy and uncouth"
If I always did these mad, wild takes (these mad, wild takes)
At any tiny problem that I face (that I face)
I'd understand why you'd then never take (why you would then never take)
Me at face value, but this isn't fake

At this injustice, I won't settle down, settle down
You're pushin' me so far from calm right now, calm right now
Insensitivity means freakin' out, freakin' out
Why do you still do this thing? There's this really crazy thing
And yet all you want is to settle down, settle down?
Asshole, it won't help to be calm right now, calm right now
Because, in fact, I'm not here freakin' out, freakin' out
Givin' you a real warning about this horrendous thing, ooh-whoa-oh-oh

I want this to stop, cause you just hurt my brain
We don't have a whole lot of time (whole lot of time)

Once you're done tellin' me to settle down, settle down
Rantin' 'bout how I should be calm right now, calm right now
That I'm unseemly to be freakin' out, freakin' out
We should run fast from this thing, this humongous, sweaty thing
And when that's done, I swear I'll settle down, settle down
When out of danger, I'll be calm right now, calm right now
Away from pointy things, no freakin' out, freakin' out
But with how you're reacting, you might still be there ranting, ooh-whoa-oh-oh

This was originally gonna be called "Leather Pouch" about the titular fixture of Rob Liefeld's artwork, but once I came up with the intro to the first verse being about how it's likely that they contain ammo, I realised that I didn't really have enough material to work with. Some other time, I guess...

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