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Song Parodies -> "Scotty vs. Ducky"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Scotty vs. Ducky"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Great Scott! No, two great Scots: The engineer of "Star Trek" and the medical examiner of "NCIS." It's a shame they can't both win.
(sound of original series transporter beam)

Epic Rap Battles of History!

Montgomery Scott!


Donald Mallard!

That’s right:





Look alive, lad!
Yer kilt is saggin’!
I can fix anything
and now, I’m going to fix your wagon!
I’m the greatest Scotsman
TV’s ever had on
while you played a Russian
alongside Robert Vaughn!
Ye talk to the dead
to get what ye need, man.
Yer on the wrong military show:
Ye need MASH shrink Sidney Freedman!
Try to out-rhyme me
and you’ll totally bungle!
I don’t need to get ye drunk
to make ye cry “Uncle!”

Ah, Monty.
Have a look at this.
I’m giving you what you might call
an antique diss.
I’m a doctor, not an engineer
but I was a soldier.
So to battle me is illogical.
Mr. Spock should have told ye!
You got so fat
that you needed some lube
to get your giant gut
out of the Jeffries tube!
Perhaps I should do an
autopsy on your rap.
Or maybe on you
after you get a Gibbs-slap!

Yer style is lame.
Ye canna disguise it.
Go ahead: Have yer Goth lass
Abby analyze it!
I’d give ye the finger
instead of some leeway
but my portrayer lost it givin’ it
to the Nazis on D-Day!
I brought a Klingon Bird o’ Prey
to 1986 and back.
That’s what I’m Doohan
you uninspired hack!
It didn’t take a miracle
for me to beat you.
Even good Scotsman David Tennant
would call ye “Doctor Who?”

Why, you cheeky little monkey.
You’re an easy act to follow.
I’m zapping you like
the Greek god Apollo!
My stories bore my colleagues
but they still listen.
I’m breaking you down
like a crystal of dilithium!
You made it through three seasons
in a shirt that was red
but I’m slicing you up
like you’re already dead!
You’re not much of a rapper
a fighter or a lover.
Maybe you should beam yourself back
into that transporter buffer!

Who won?
Who’s next?
You decide!


(Bagpipe sound)

Rap Battles of History!
James Doohan, who played Scotty, left us in 2005. But David McCallum, who played Illya Kuryakin on "The Man from U.N.C.L.E.," is still going strong as Ducky at age 83. They have one tenuous connection: McCallum's first wife, Jill Ireland, appeared in a Trek episode, "This Side of Paradise." McCallum recorded 4 albums, his father David Sr. was a renowned violinist, his mother Dorothy a cellist, and his son Val is a guitarist who toured with Jackson Browne. And Doohan's son Chris is an actor who played Scotty in the fanmade web series "Star Trek Continues," set in the last two years of the "five-year mission" that we didn't get to see.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.6
How Funny: 2.6
Overall Rating: 2.6

Total Votes: 23

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   14
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   9

User Comments

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Rob Arndt - December 16, 2016 - Report this comment
Good one MP- 555! Hey, have you heard Colette Carr's "F16?" She fast raps well. Try to parody that OS.:
Patrick - December 16, 2016 - Report this comment
I probably saw all of the old Star Trek and most of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. I've seen ads for the NCIS show but not a regular viewer. Amazing how many great pairings you continue to come up with. Like the line about giving the finger to the Nazis. Reference to psychiatrist Sydney Freedman. Didn't Bob Newhart play a psychiatrist or psychologist, too?
Rob Arndt - December 17, 2016 - Report this comment
Patrick, The Bob Newhart Show (latter) ran from 1972-78 (6 Seasons). He portrayed a Chicago psychologist. Good show :)

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