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Song Parodies -> "Need a Towel to Dry"

Original Song Title:

"1-800-273-8255"

Original Performer:

Logic ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid

Parody Song Title:

"Need a Towel to Dry"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "How We Do It" self-challenge. You've had a long day swimming, so you wanna dry off to get back to the holiday mingling. However, some shitheel nicked your towel! What wouldst thou deau?
I went with the flow, took a little high dive
And I had a really good time
Now I need a towel to dry but it escaped, whoo!
See the water flow off my back and my sides
Got places to be, so I'd like
My towel back so I can dry
Need to rub it on my hide
Rub it all over my hide
I wanna be dry today
That would be real nice
Water's all over my hide
Head to toe, I've drenched my hide
I need to be dry
Don't need to tell you why

All these little drips collectin' round my feet are flowin'
It's a mess nobody's wantin', they hate me, boy, do they show it
Ev'ry step's makin' a splatter, I know it, I know it
Know cause I'm lookin' straight down because I'm hopin'
That if I check the place I put my toes
Then I can make it home without any slips, can't be prone
If I flip on my ass, I think you'll find
Worse than any spine damage, I can't properly dry my hide

Love to swim, you know, hate it when it ends, right
I was havin' such a good time
Now that I've been forced to dry, my towel's escaped, whoo!
So the water flows downwardly off my hide
People givin' me the stink eye
Not like I don't want to dry
Kinda need a towel, alright
And it's vanished, I can't spy
Where the damn thing lies, okay
Someone's bein' shite
Know some asshole stole it, right
Think they're clever, that's a lie
Tell me where it hides
Don't you dare to ask why

Not a pool in public where all this happened, no, all this water
Is from my backyard pool, it's rare I'm in there, slim chance swim, never bother
Of course, the one time that I jump in there's when my damn towel ends up nicked
And this is why my normal Christmas involves no-one comin' in because that's how you get this shit
Bathers on my skin, so I'm not bollock showin' (yeah-eah)
But right now I'm freezin' cause the wind is high
Not enough to cause my flesh to dry, cause my luck is well known to be shite
Nipples get hard, water still clings hard
I regret that dip right now, always happens when I dip, I've found

It's a stupid joke to pull off at this time
Where's the peace to all of mankind?
Wouldn't really rate this high, it's kinda lame, whoo!
Walkin' really slow, hope I'll make it in time
In my bathroom, know that I'll find
Stacks of towels with which to dry
Because I'd just put one outside (only put the one outside)
So it would cut down on the time
It would take to dry today (hey)
More food I'll imbibe
Half-an-inch with ev'ry stride (half an inch with ev'ry stride)
Still drippin' water off my hide (ho-oh)
I just wanna dry (no)
Won't you let me dry (let me dry, oh-oh)?
Oh-oh-oh-oh (sick of all these drips)
Oh-oh-oh-oh (wanna kill these drips)
Oh-oh-oh-oh

Great, I fin'lly made it, so
Let's make like Elsa, let it go
Fling my bathers off and let it out
And the cupboard doors get flung like so
I can't believe my eyes
Nothin's what I spy in the doors
The towels have gone bye-bye and I really wanna cry on the floor
Oh, guess I gotta (oh-oh-oh-oh)
Guess I gotta
Gotta point hairdryers right at my balls

When I came up with this parody several months ago (as I do with every USoP), I had no idea that my song about hot weather activity would come out on Christmas even though I'm pretty sure my entire audience is in the northern hemisphere freezing their nads off. Clearly I decided to run with it, if only because I only hide my Australian-ness when it comes to what words rhymes with what.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 3   0
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 4   0
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 5   4
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