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Song Parodies -> "Fear Bears"

Original Song Title:

"Take Care"

Original Performer:

Drake

Parody Song Title:

"Fear Bears"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Shine Brighter Supplemental" self-challenge. As we all know, bears are godless killing machines. What happens when someone deathly afraid of them decides to face one head on with no care taken to planning? Hospital, if he's lucky. This parody might be how his friend responds...
I heard you were hurt and you're not well
Man, this hospital food is a hard sell
But you're lucky that you're not food
For that bear, poor dude
His snack, you are not

Were you brain-dead, dude, to go on your ownsome
You thought you could take on the wild for three days, but
You know you're a pansy, you freak in the rain, I
Had doubts and they all have come true, poor dude
Left without packing square meals
I knew that it'd go downhill
You thought that you could be Bear Grylls
But you're so not, you're just a complete dill
In your pack, Bill, did you miss a little case
With your Swiss Army knife, so safe, ah
I'd ready your palm, let it slap your face, ah
And that's only one of your big mistakes
Packed rope, didn't you? Packed clothes, didn't you?
No, you didn't, did not think so
Did you have a plan? Did you bring a map?
Did you think at all, guess not, bro
You're a dumbass, an utter dumbass
You didn't charge up your phone, you're a twat
And your food went off, read the label, you prat
Did you research anything, you schmo?
When your preparing is sloppy
It's like targets on your hide
"Come eat me, I'm bear-bait"
So I just roll my eyes

And here's the main thing, makes you a fool
Scared of bears, aren't you?
Taunted fate and lost

Yeah
Think you're ballsy, face your fears, you don't have to
Therapy's there to help you, don't listen to rom-com's, dude
No way is life that easy
Doesn't quite work that way, dude
Now you're so casted up you can't move (ouch, dude)
All right, you've got balls, that's fine
Tried to beat it up with your leg, that's fine
And once you're healed, I'll be buyin' at the bar
But for now, you should know that was dumb as shite
Did you not pack mace, bro, an axe or a mallet
Cause there's courage and then there is you, mad fool
Don't face your fears alone next time, that's kinda dumb
Especially if it's something like friggin' bears and junk
Man, you're my friend, if you ask me, next time you should just
Use brains, dude
Don't be dumb-brave

Look, buddy, I do care if you're hurt
But really, dude? That was dumb as hell, dude
Yes, buddy, I do care if you're hurt
But really, dude? That was friggin' dumb, dude

No Darwin Award, why? Because, well
You lived and kept your balls, can't fill up that shelf
One question, please, did it work, dude?
Still fear bears? No? Good
Worth all the blood loss

THE BEAR KNOWS that the Darwin Awards are, well, awards given to people who kill themselves or destroy their ability to spawn children in hilariously stupid ways. Not sure if "trying to take on a bear despite crippling fear of same animal" is good enough for one, but surely the ridiculous lack of forethought oughta could for something, right? "Casted" (cahs-ted) is a word of my own invention, meaning to be in a cast.

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