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Song Parodies -> "Proper Armour"

Original Song Title:

"Love Me Harder"

Original Performer:

Ariana Grande & The Weeknd

Parody Song Title:

"Proper Armour"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "50 Shades of Pop" self-challenge. A female warrior takes issue with the "armour" she's been issued.
Female Warrior:
Tell me somethin' I need to-o know
Why are my breasts consistently on sho-o-ow?
A stri-ip of leather around my-y waist
Because my navel really needs that spa-a-ace
I'm a warrior, I stab, slice a-and slit
More that needs protection than my-y pri-iva-ates
No, the metal all went to the-ese gau-auntlets
And they're still on my friggin' ba-are ski-i-in

Look, if you wa-ant me killin'
You gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta get me proper armour
High heels? Tell me-e you're kiddin'
Not laughin', laughin', laughin', laughin', get me proper armour
I need pro-oper armour
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Give me, give me, give me
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Proper, proper armour

Male Companion:
I've seen your options, might lend you-ou mi-ine
Need you in one pie-iece, no-ot wearin' one, besi-ides
Supposed to-o-o be "sexy-y" but I must sa-ay
I-It just looks awkward, you-ou're stuck with that all da-a-a-a-ay
Thigh-high boots, I just don't see the pu-u-urpose
How is a thong battle materie-e-el?
There's "makin' the armour look femi-i-i-ini-ine"
This is just ta-aki-in' the piss, why-y-y-y-y-y?

Female Warrior (Male Companion):
I've got words fo-or the smithy
I gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta have some proper armour (you need proper armour)
I got a (ow) ma-ajor wedgie
I'm gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna get some proper armour (proper armour)
I need pro-oper armour
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Give me, give me, give me
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Proper, proper armour (oh-oh-oh)
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Give me, give me, give me
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Proper, proper armour (why no real pro-oper armou-our?)

Male Companion:
She's a woman, but you don't have to point it ou-out (to point it ou-out)
Female Warrior:
Can't I guard my, my, my organs, yeah?
Male Companion:
Oh-woah-oh-oh-oh
If they're not in boobsocks, then they're floppin' abou-out (floppin' abou-out)
Female Warrior:
And plus the steel, steel, steel cuts i-in

Female Warrior (Male Companion):
Are these spikes ne-ecessary (yeah)?
I gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta get some proper armour (those might cut ya, cut ya, cut)
And this bare ba-ack might kill me (ooh-ooh-ooh)
You gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta make some proper armour
Backless? Tha-at's just crazy
All my armou-ours are "sexy" (hey)
Why can't ya, can't ya, can't ya, can't ya make some pro-oper armour (pro-oper armour)?
It's gettin' rea-eally creepy
You gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta (you should do it, dude, do it)
Make some proper armour (make some proper armour, hey)
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Give me, give me, give me (just looks crass, dude)
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Proper, proper armour (like she's in her undie-ies, undie-ies, creepy)
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Give me, give me, give me (give her functional armour, armou-ou-our quickly)
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh
Proper, proper armour (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)

I know I didn't 100% map the two characters' lines to the two singers (basically I gave the The Weeknd equivalent more lines than the original) but this is a bit simpler. Also I think I got most of the items on the Female Armor Bingo.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.5
How Funny: 3.5
Overall Rating: 3.5

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2
 2
 
 2   1
 1
 1
 
 3   2
 2
 2
 
 4   1
 1
 1
 
 5   5
 5
 5
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Abbott Skelding - August 08, 2016 - Report this comment
Never heard the OS, but I think you did a good job matching the original with the back and forth between characters. Funny stuff!
Matthias - August 09, 2016 - Report this comment
Good send up to the comic book and video game industry. I liked this one and a lot of familiar faces came to mind especially people in Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat.
Cal - August 09, 2016 - Report this comment
^ what are you, eight years old?
Agrimorfee - August 21, 2016 - Report this comment
I got the humor of this, but I think it just needed more oomph...more imaginative complaints about her boobs getting banged up, itchy accoutrements and so forth.

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