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Song Parodies -> "Contact Sports"

Original Song Title:

"Hardware Store"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Weird Al Yankovic

Parody Song Title:

"Contact Sports"

Parody Written by:

2nz

The Lyrics

I tried being coherent with this. It didn't work. So I bum-rushed yo asses with crazy fighting styles.
(the sounds of backs breaking, spinning lariats connecting, whatever sound a cross-face makes, and German’s suplex-ing jab at your psyche and your pancreas)

Home is really (really) boring and a mess
Feelin’ use-less (less) thought I’d try to get arrested
Cause it’s a fact, must go where action is packed
And then a friend came up this way

He said, “(Hey), you shut up for a sec
Come and watch the T-vision, guys are breaking neck bones
So I could see the uckin’ UFC
And I so happily watched all day

Since then I've been watching bitch clamps (clamps)
and as arms are put in bars and feet are stamped
Oh, I'm so excited that the very next champ
Kicks opponents in the groin

This is great ‘cause now I fantasize
I’m the fighter (fighter) floating like some butterflies
And I can use Muay Thai to poke you in the eyes
So it’s clearly worth my coin

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

(Wrestling sounds wrestle you to the ground)

On my fav-rite couch I watched it every day
Though I wasn’t so sure, guys in speedos may be gay, but
I watched their power bombing anyway
And I so wanna learn Jeet Kune Do

I’m pretending that I have giant pecs
And I have a girlfriend, cause her boyfriend broke his neck on my fist
German Suplex, fighters that I wreck
And the crowd chants “stomp his toe”

Guys with weird names hit you with a chair
Then they grab your arm and swing to throw you in the air
Or they simply walk up to your chest and pluck a hair
You will scream and yell angrily

And I’m using an abdominal throw
There’s a good chance I’ll be raining blows
Oh yea, every 42nd T K O
Will help in scoring points for me

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports




(breathe)
Would you look at all those moves…

They use
Uppercutting, rabbit punches,
head-y butting, collar crunches
Chickenwing-er,
with a finger
Soon you will be losing lunches

Purple nurple, with the wrist-er,
Titty twister for your sister
Pile drivers,
skull dividers,
If I missed, her it’ll blister

Half of nelson, joint submissions,
many fighing competitions
Weight in classes,
kicking asses
Throws and blows in all renditions

New ju-jitsu, when I hit you,
hoping red is gonna fit you
Sambo tackle,
Judo grapple,
Outlook not so, God be with you

striking, throwing, lacerations,
choking causing strangulation
Polish hammer,
body slammer,
multi-person combination

Sho-ryu-ken, Shin-hadou-ken,
Yoga fire, ‘lectricution,
Tiger-kneeing,
DDT-ing,
Thousand-hand-slap retribution

Throw your ass n’ break your femur,
through the grass to hit your beamer
Sun Tzu era,
capoeira,
Hurting more if I am meaner

Shoulder breakers, herni-a-tors,
Keep on trying, can’t escape-ers
Elbow blizzards,
Body scissors,
Person black and bluish makers

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

(The sounds of kicks in asses, punches in groins and helpless howling opponents pummel you some more)
copyright Glen Stollberger
I may pick this idea up again in the future for some improvements. I spent two weeks staring at this version, so now it's time for a break, but we'll see.

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 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   5
 5
 5
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Matthias - October 15, 2008 - Report this comment
Epic Damage! 555 K.Os
UnKnownVotress - October 15, 2008 - Report this comment
Sir, as Cowboy Dave would say, a good brawl always relieves the tension !
Agrimorfee - October 23, 2008 - Report this comment
(Artistry) 2nz, my friend...remember how we said in the message board how this song is almost parody suicide? I'm glad to see that you have recovered quite nicely and still back on your feet. Excellent work, including the research that must have been required for the various martial arts terms. 555.
Cody Slusher - October 24, 2008 - Report this comment
I love Weird Al and everything.But,you still did the parody wrong.FYI.
Rex - November 07, 2008 - Report this comment
(Artistry) This one needs a video -- I predict it will be a big hit.
bobpiecheese - November 17, 2008 - Report this comment
(Artistry) Congrats on tackling this monster, 2nz, and for your first Artistry round too! A few pacing hiccups, but maybe that's just me as the song is kinda fast (I'm 100% certain that you NAILED the really fast bit in the middle). 555 slams in the face!
Below Average Dave - November 20, 2008 - Report this comment
Your pacing was fine on my watch, I'm not sure what part Cody's refering to, You nailed the rhyme scheme in the list part of the song and taught me names of moves I'd never heard of.

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