Song Parodies -> Don't Wanna Be Santa No More

Original Song Title:

"Lonely No More"

Original Performer:

Rob Thomas

  
Parody Song Title:

"Don't Wanna Be Santa No More"

Parody Written by:

2nz

If the title weren't enough, here's an additional warning: 'Be prepared to deal with a disgruntled and angry Santa'. You have been warned.
Now it seems to me
That these kids don't need this crap
Why would five-year-olds
Need to have their own TVs?
And it bothers me
That I always lose my map
And my sleigh breaks down
So I'm thinking lately

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna be Santa no more
I don't wanna have to slave for kids
'Cause riding on that sleigh my butt gets sore
And ev'ry year more bastards on my list

I don't wanna be Kringle no more
And now all my elves want benefits
They all got unionized way back in sixty-four
I don't want to be Santa anymore

Ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho

Can't eat healthily,
When the contract says 'Be Fat'
Pass the pork now please,
And some eggnog with that
It's not nominal, my cholesterol
So when I have it all I gotta pray
So that my belt will stay, and this chest pain goes away
Why can't I just diet

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna be jolly no more
I don't wanna bother Mrs. Clause
I gotta work the one day I could score
'Cause she's got 3-6-4-day meno Clause

I don't wanna work evenings no more
'Cause my reindeer always get the sh*ts
And some of them just signed with Disney, went on tour
I don't want to be Santa anymore

Ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho...

What if I got Buddhists too?
What if I got Hindus three?
What if I got Shintos, Taoists, not just Christianity?
Then I'd be more overworked
And those I missed would still curse me
I've decided, here's my true wish:
Screw the Christians, not just the Jewish

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna say 'Ho Ho' no more
I don't wanna be a chimney sweep
'Cause left out milk goes sour while you snore
So you can go and stick your stupid wreath

No more sleigh with no radar no more
I don't wanna dodge these airplane hits
Above La Guardia, just missed by runway four
I don't want to be Santa anymore

Ho, ho, ho... aww screw it...

I don't wanna be Santa anymore
I don't wanna be Santa no more
I don't wanna be Santa no more
I don't wanna be Santa anymore
copyright 2005+ 2nz
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Voting Results
Pacing: 4.5
 
How Funny: 4.9
 
Overall Rating: 4.8
 
Total Votes: 17
Voting Breakdown

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User Comments Follow...

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Dumb Ass Kid - November 13, 2005 - Report this comment
Shaky pacing, but plenty of ho-ho-hos! 455
Arwen - November 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Do I have a crush on Rob Thomas? Yes I do. Do I L-to the-OVE anything and everything having to do with Christmas? That's affirmative. Is this chock full of fun lines and giggles? Yep. Therefore...I can see nothing wrong here...other than the fact that I feel a little disconcerted by Santa's attitude. He's still going to come and visit ME, right? I mean...it's fine if he quits on everyone else...but...he'd better not let me down. I'm really counting on him for a Dior handbag that I can't quite afford...; )
2nz - November 15, 2005 - Report this comment
No fear Arwen, they're already interviewing his replacement, and his replacement's therapist too. Thanks for stoppin' by.

And thank you too DAK.
Dumb Ass Kid - December 08, 2005 - Report this comment
[SOTM] Already delivered my 455-shaped present to this address!
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - December 10, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - Here's my psycho diagnosis for your Santa:
PTSD - Presents-Tottering Stress Disorder. :-)
Josh 2 - December 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) as DAK said the pacing was kinda off, 455
Stuart McArthur - December 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) yeah, I mean even Santa has to have his dark existential moments (ESPECIALLY Santa, with all those expectations and all) - and when his wife gets meno-Clause, that's gotta push him over the edge - great idea, 2nz - lots of funny lines - 555
Red Ant - December 11, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is hilarious 2nz, fits TOS well. Un-PC almost always scores big with me too.
Agrimorfee - December 12, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I prescribe 555 mgs of Xanax Claus.
Matthias - December 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Hillarious!!!
Spaff.com - December 18, 2005 - Report this comment
I never get tired of Christmas-themed parodies. This one's lovely, Glenz, and I can totally relate: sometimes I get tired of being a Sex God. Fave bits: "I don't wanna be jolly no more" and true wish/Jewish.
bobpiecheese - December 22, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I agree with Spaff. Christmas songs can never go wrong - just make sure they're released around Christmas time. Anyway, I like the way the chorus keeps changing. Heh, reindeer gets the sh*ts. I've seen a cartoon where they do just that, and Santa comments on 'never again stopping for Mexican food'. Brilliant parody.
Adam Eccleshall - December 24, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) That was great :-)
Phil Alexander - December 27, 2005 - Report this comment
DKTOS, but DGAF: this is brilliant, however it fits.
Tim Mayfield - December 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - Putting it like it is. No tinsel garnished truth here. ;-)
Kristof Robertson - December 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Like Phil, I DKTOS, but am determined to get a copy so I can sing along to this brilliant piece of work. Bravo! 555
wannabemustangjockey - December 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) There's something about putting a politically incorrect slant on Christmas that makes it hilarious every time. And that includes this one.
Johnny D - December 30, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Ahh....The Angst of The Flying Fat Man!
John Jenkins - December 30, 2005 - Report this comment
A lot of excellent lines - my faves were meno-Clause and true wish/Jewish.
2nz - December 31, 2005 - Report this comment
If I was less lazy and more classy (like Arwen) I'd give you all the individual comments you deserve. But on this the very start of my next almost year-long break, I'll just give you all a big Christmas... I mean HOLIDAY hug. I really should have found a way to throw 'holiday' jokes in here too. Well, there's always a rewrite for next year :c). THanks again everybody.
Claude Prez - January 02, 2006 - Report this comment
Maybe it's just me, but I had no problems at all with the pacing. Fit perfectly, I thought. Lots of great lines, too. "Slave for kids" is a great sub for "pay for this". The varied choruses were big, too. Great stuff.

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