Kim was addicted to the pinball; Carla would only eat Tylenol
Jen was a stalker, she would tailgate; Jessica was nothing more than jailbait
Mary would snort raspberry Jell-o; Julie was missing her left elbow
Christine was covered in a shark stench; Lisa, she was living on a park bench
Patricia was filled with self-pity; Ruth ran the KKK committee
Bryn's nose was stuck upon the grindstone; Rachel was as clever as a pine cone
Danielle would talk to origami; Tonya thought that her name was Tommy
Lindsey was asking for a rain check; Alexandra's face was like a train wreck

The girls I meet, the girls I date are so messed up, I can't see straight
Ever wonder if I'm meant to mate
The girls I see, the girls I know are dim, dull, jumpy or psycho
Guess I'll have to just masturbate

Rebecca's sanity was blurry; Beth was into plastic surgery
Sue was friends with the boogie monster; Stephanie, the FBI still wants her
Nancy had suffered radiation; Laura planned my assassination
Roxanne would show me her scar tissues; Harriet had immigration issues
Olivia was such a coward; Jill, I don't she ever showered
Trish yelled and yelled, and wouldn't stop it, Adirenne was like Lorena Bobbitt
Joan wanted to be an emperor; Robin, the paraplegic burglar
Courtney did whatever a brat can; Dana kept insisting she was Batman

The girls I meet, the girls I date are so messed up, I can't see straight
Maybe I should just go celibate
The girls I see, the girls I know are dim, dull, jumpy or psycho
Might be easier to switch-hit

Wilhelmina would pass out on Super Glue, she's cuckoo
Farrah shocked herself plenty with her barbeque, black and blue
Tiffany called me every minute or two, bugaboo
Monique's name was the only thing with an IQ, toodle-oo

Claire hated everything that men thought; Daphne spent more time in jail than not
Elizabeth was really gory; Allison would mark her territory
Crystal was trying to cross the border; Kelly and her restraining order
Leslie was far too May-December; Emily was a violent gang member
Meg didn't know a single big word; Melinda lusted after Big Bird
Lucy was eerily nocturnal; Natalie wrote death threats in her journal
Melissa dreamt of the stock exchange; Nicole was hoping for a sex change
Anne would occasionally maul cats; Carol dressed like Silent Bob in Mallrats
Connie was nothing but a klepto; Sabrina was awaiting death row
Marilyn would get drunk over and over; Jordan wrecked my yard while driving her Land Rover
With all these women, it was no use; maybe I'll just become a recluse