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Song Parodies -> "You Will Not Solve A Murder"

Original Song Title:

"You Won't Succeed On Broadway"

Parody Song Title:

"You Will Not Solve A Murder"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

CSI: Camelot, the Musical. Hmm....
Have you seen this body?

Yes sire...and we won't catch the man who did it

Why not?

Because...a crime scene is a very special place,
You need very special people,
People who can look and think, often at the same time!
They are a different people, a multi-talented people,
A people...who investigate people...and who are, in many ways, the
Cleverest people in...the world. I'm sorry sire, but we don't stand a chance.

But why?

Well...let me put it like this.

If you've found a cadaver
You may even know whose
Solving it depends upon the scientific cues
So, listen, Arthur darling, don't look so bemused:
You will not solve this murder
If you don't have any clues.

May be lots of things to parse
With your magnifying glass
But you have to know which of these things to choose
And you don't know what to pick
And this chap here is more than sick
You'll have no suspects
Just lots and lots of "who?"s


There's some people who can have a
Single look at a cadaver
And see whole reams of pointers they can use
Though you can see it's red
Pretty much everywhere he's bled
He can't help you, 'cause he's dead
And you don't have any clues.

If you act like a dumbo
Pretending you're Columbo
While spouting mumbo jumbo, what's the use?
No messages, subliminal
To tell you who's the criminal
And saying that you know is no excuse
You may go for a conviction
With a case that's purely fiction
Depending on which suspect you accuse

CRITIC (pointing):
It was him!

If your proof is insubstantial
Evidence is circumstantial
You won't get him for murder
If you don't have any clues.

You may depend on intuition
Or the Spanish Inquisition
Those unexpected users of thumbscrews
The jury may convict
The villain that you've picked
But I hate to contradict: you're gonna lose

So, you might well improvise
And watch a load of CSIs
Or phone up all the women named in his tattoos
You may find a chap called Theo
With an air ticket to Rio
But he will get off scot free-o
If you don't have any clues!

He won't take the witness stand
With a knife still in his hand

Or the victim's blood a-splattered upon his shoes

It still is no breakthrough
If you don't have a clue
'Cause your prosecution you are going to lose!

If you stumble and you step on
Where he dropped the murder weapon
At least that would be something you could use
But to find out what occurred-a
You will never solve a murder
No, you will not solve a murder
If you don't have any clues!

Arthur, can you hear me?

To find out who's the murd'rer
To then arrest the murd'rer
To prosecute the murd'rer and not lose,
I tell you, Arthur king,
It must be evidence you bring..
There simply must be, simply must be clues.

To get him justly
As discussed, see
Simply must be clues.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

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 2   1
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 4   0
 5   3

User Comments

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AFW - July 12, 2012 - Report this comment
Some very clever lines and phrasing in here, as well as very creative rhyming
Meriadoc - July 12, 2012 - Report this comment
I think it was Guinevere in the midden with the mace. Especially liked the tattoos line.
Phil Alexander - July 13, 2012 - Report this comment
:-) Thanks all..

Merry - is the midden one of the rooms in Cluedalot? I'm going to accuse Galahad in the Keep with the overwhelming sense of smugness.
Meriadoc - July 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Now I am thinking it was Dennis Moore in the garderobe with the lupines...

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