No-one can taste until they've learned
What's on their buns go by my decrees
Go by my decrees, my say-so
No-one 'round here can eat their fill
Food additions must go through me
Yeah, go through me pre-feast
I am the lord of this whole town
And I aim to spread all around
Yeah, I'll spread all around
From meat to greens I'm addin' shit
For I'm the condiment king

There'll be no plain buns (yeah, buns)
Pour it out, pour it right on
Whether sauce, relish or spice
I want no plain things in my-a sight
No plain things on my

Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-dough
Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-dough
Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-dough
Da-d-da-d-da-dough, oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah

Don't care if it tastes good, I just want it drenched
Whoa, yeah, only want it drenched
Dunk it all in the dip, I've prepared buckets
Hahaha, yeah, gallon-drum buckets
Could be hollandaise or soy, I care-a not
Yeah, why not (ha)?
Will at least be somethin' diff'rent, sure, call me nuts
That gets you the real spicy sort

Have some mayo or a thick spread of hummus
A dash of pesto or maybe Dijon mustard
What, you don't want that? Oh, why didn't you say so?
I guess that off to the mines is where you'll go

My plan for this world is to spice up your sandwich
Or whatever you're eatin'
Fresh cream, I'll slather it all over my nation
Drownin' in all the gravy I'll tip
My plans for this world do involve butter
And you cannot refuse me because you'll end up dip
Ha-yay, ha-ha-yay, ha-ha-yay, ha
I am the condiment king

No room for plain buns (wha)
Kick them out, not good enough (get some chutney, you)
It may hurt if you hate spice (sting-di-di-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding)
Too bad, that's what you'll eat for all time (wha)
That's what you'll eat for

Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-dough (hey!)
Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-dough (deliciousness)
Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da (extraordinaire)
Da-d-da-d-da (unlimited), da-d-da-d-dough (choice is zero, choice is zero)
Da-d-da-d-da, da-d-da-d-da (the world will know)
Da-d-da-d-da (whole world will know), da-d-da-d-dough (oh-ho, ah-yeah-yeah-yeah)
Ha-yay, ha-ha-yay, ha, ha-yay, ha-ha-yay, da (he-e-e-ey)
Ha-yay, ha-ha-yay, ha, ha-yay, ha
I am the condiment king