Hummus and pita, tofu and garlic,
I know how healthy you are.
Soymilk and grape-nuts, dried fruit and peanuts,
But fake meat tastes just like tar.
Becoming a vegan, I did have a reason,
Animal rights was at the heart,
So many veggies, that are in season,
But digesting beans tears me apart.

Nobody it said it was easy,
Nobody said how much I'd fart.
I'm constipated and queasy,
No one ever said my stools would be so hard--
I'm craving bacon and lard.

I took some ex-lax, drank so much prune juice
It didn't seem to help me at all.
I suddenly felt it, down in my caboose,
That's when I rushed into the stall.
I need some meat now, animal protein,
Put those steaks in my shopping cart.
Maybe some Beano, my stomach is bloating,
The diarrhea's about to start.

Nobody it said it was easy,
Nobody said how much I'd fart.
I'm constipated and queasy,
No one ever said my stools would be so hard--
I'm craving bacon and lard.