Right now, I'm sittin' in a cell with a butchy biker gang
And a bunch of druggie hookers!
Right now, some biker's asking me if I swing both ways,
Sayin' I'm a real looker.
Right now, I'm wipin' my butt with some cheap rough paper
Wishin' I could have a good stiff drink,
'Cause I didn't think--

When I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive
And carved by name into his leather seats,
Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all four tires.
Maybe next time I'll think...
When my man cheats.

Right now, my lawyer says I'm lookin at six months hard time
And three years on probation.
Right now, "America's Dumbest Criminals" is putting my mug shot
On every TV 'cross the nation.
Right now, I'm thinkin' how carving my name led the cops right to me,
Put me right in the clink,
'Cause I didn't think--

When I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive
And carved by name into his leather seats,
Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all four tires.
Maybe next time I'll think...
When my man cheats.

And I just realized that the bleached blonde tramp is actually the next girl--
And I just cleared the way for her 'cause I'm not too swift!
No, I'm not very swift!

When I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive
And carved by name into his leather seats,
Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all four tires.
Maybe next time I'll think...
When my man cheats.