Right now, she’s probably braggin’ how she freaked out and trashed my car when I dumped her
Right now, she’s probably showin’ off some pictures of my poor mutilated bumper
Right now, she’s probably thinkin’ she’s some wonderbitch redneck version of Rambo…
And she don’t know…

That my dad’s a judge and so soon she’ll dwell
In a dinky little cooped up prison cell
With a roommate twice her size callin’ her sweetcheeks
I took her pretty little sister to her prom
Banged her best friend, banged her mom
Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

Right now, she’s probably watchin’ Oprah and suckin’ down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey
Right now, she’s fondling some produce, and it’s a-thinkin’ that it’s gonna get lucky
Right now, she’s probably workin’ on some lame-ass pathetic sex quiz in Cosmo…
And she don’t know…

That I stashed some cold meds in her ‘vette
Along with my old chemistry set
Told the cops bout the meth lab that she keeps
I took a Supersize dump in her favorite shoes
Banged her grandma and grandpa too
Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

It might be a little while ‘fore the next guy
Cause by the time that she gets free…
She’ll be like ninety-three…

Oh, ninety-three…

Cause I put her e-mail on the list
For every porn site and televangelist
Signed her up for “Vibe” for a hundred weeks
I made her credit rate vanish without a trace
Didn’t bang Dad but I got third base
Maybe next time she’ll think, before she freaks