he was a boy; He was a priest
Can I make it any more blasphemees?
He put the "rub" in "cherubim"
But he wouldn't frock around with Him
He told him that; it would be fun
Putting the "come" in "come-union"
He said "Let's go"; he said, "not me"
he wouldn't go near His rectory*

he was an altar boy
But not Father Walter's toy
He wasn't good enough right then
He's lookin' pretty good
But he thought the bishop would
Give him a better sack-rament

50 years pass; he sits at home
And he still has his server robe
he turns on TV; he feels like a dope
Father Walter is now the pope
A big pointy hat, and ninety years old
He's all dressed up in white and gold
he falls to his knees, and prays up to God
"How could I be such a clod?"

he was an altar boy
He said, "We all falter, boy--
How bout you falter some on this?"
Now He's a great big deal
Rides in the popemobile
Pope-urtunity he missed

Sorry boy but you missed out
He's close to death and He has gout
You could have been the nineteenth of
A hundred secrets covered up
Now you've lived a life so dull
By putting the "shun" in "confess-shun-al"

Goodbye to the altar boy
This song must now halt-er boy
I do not want to go to hell
I'll go to confession though
An hour before I go
Everything will be just swell