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Song Parodies -> "Chappaquiddick"

Original Song Title:

"Frère Jacques"

Original Performer:

Traditional

Parody Song Title:

"Chappaquiddick"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics


Chappaquiddick, Chappaquiddick
Mary Jo, Mary Jo?
How's about a drink-y? Get a little stinky?
Then let's blow, then let's blow

Sailing, drinking, but not thinking
Twenty-eight! Hot young date
Married men'll mingle with six girls, all single
Party, great! Party, great!

Cad, he did it; cad, he did it
Marriage: laugh! Do his staff
Pregnant is his wife, now; Had miscarriage; Strife? Ow! [1]
What a guy! What a guy!

Don't tell no one where you're goin' [2]
Why left she: Purse and key? [3]
Why, Ted, drive, not chauffeur? 'Cause you wanna bauff her! [4]
Deed, disguise; Law, defies

Chap acquitted, chap acquitted
Let her die! Lie, lie, lie! [5] [6]
License was suspended! Bang! This case is ended! [7][8]
So deserved! Justice, served! [9]



[1] Joan Bennett Kennedy blamed the incident and resulting stress for the miscarriage of the baby she was carrying at the time.

[2] Mary Jo did not tell anyone that she was leaving the party with Kennedy.

[3] Despite Kennedy's later statement that Mary Jo asked if he would drive her back to her hotel room, she left both her purse and her hotel key at the party. Do the math....

[4] Kennedy's chauffeur was at the party. Ted made up some lame excuse why he chose to drive, rather than be chauffeured around as usual.

[5] Far, far too many lies to recount here -- and they won't change the closed minds of the worshipers anyway -- but these were especially interesting:

"Christopher 'Huck' Look was a deputy sheriff working as a special police officer at the Edgartown regatta dance that night. .... He testified that between 12:30 and 12:45 am, he had seen a dark car containing a man driving and a woman in the front seat approaching the intersection with Dike Road. The car had gone first onto the private Cemetery Road and stopped there. [A cemetery! How romantic a place to take your girl! -- TT.] Thinking that the occupants of the car might be lost, Look had gotten out of his car and walked towards it. When he was 25 to 30 feet away, the car started backing up towards him. When Look called out to offer his help, the car took off down Dike Road in a cloud of dust. Look recalled that the car's license plate began with an 'L' and contained the number '7' twice, both details true of Kennedy's 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88."

Something going on that you don't want the cops to know about, Teddy?

Why not phone for help after the accident?

"According to his inquest testimony,... (Kennedy) tried to swim down to reach her seven or eight times, then rested on the bank for around fifteen minutes before returning on foot to Lawrence Cottage, where the party was. Kennedy denied seeing any house with a light on during his journey back to Lawrence Cottage."

I. e., no phones "available." And if the lights are off at a home you pass, surely you wouldn't wake someone out of a sound sleep just to report a woman drowning in a car nearby, would you? It's true: Liberals *are* compassionate. So compassionate, in fact, that they believe in letting people sleep undisturbed -- sometimes, permanently.

"In addition to the working telephone at the Lawrence Cottage party site [Hello!], according to one commentator, his route back to the cottage would have taken him past four houses from which he could have telephoned and summoned help; however, he did not do so. The first of those houses, referred to as "Dike House", was only 150 yards away from the bridge, and was occupied by Sylvia Malm and her family at the time of the incident. Malm later stated that she had left a light on at the residence when she retired for that evening."

Need we go on? It just gets worse and worse.

[6] A diver was sent down and discovered Kopechne's body at around 8:45 am. The diver, John Farrar, later testified at the inquest that Kopechne's body was pressed up in the car in the spot where an air bubble would have formed. He interpreted this to mean that Kopechne had survived for a while after the initial accident in the air bubble, and concluded that,

"Had I received a call within five to ten minutes of the accident occurring, and was able, as I was the following morning, to be at the victim's side within twenty-five minutes of receiving the call, in such event there is a strong possibility that she would have been alive on removal from the submerged car."

Farrar believed that Kopechne "lived for at least two hours down there."

In other words, one phone call from Kennedy would very likely have saved her life.

Conclusion: he let her die to "protect his reputation" (oh, yeah, it did that, alright), i. e. from accusations of DUI and philandering, which apparently would have harmed his reputation much more than manslaughter actually did, according to M-ass-a-choose-twits voters.

[7] An inquest was held into Kopechne's death. At the request of Kennedy's lawyers, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ordered that it be conducted in secret. Obviously, the Mass. Supreme Court, like everyone and everything else in Mass., does whatever the Kennedys or their lawyers say. ... (Hey, not talkin' 'bout you, ChuckyG! You're waaay smarter than the rest of them... as this site so elegantly proves!)

Judge James A. Boyle presided at the inquest. Among Judge Boyle's conclusions, later released, the inquest found that:

* "Kopechne and Kennedy did *not* intend to drive to the ferry slip, and his turn onto Dike Road had been intentional".
* "A speed of twenty miles per hour as Kennedy testified to, operating the car as large as his Oldsmobile, would be at least negligent and possibly reckless."
* "For some reason not apparent from [Kennedy]'s testimony, he failed to exercise due care as he approached the bridge."
* "There is probable cause to believe that Edward M. Kennedy operated his motor vehicle negligently ... and that such operation appears to have contributed to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne."

Under Massachusetts law, Boyle, having found "probable cause" that Kennedy had committed a crime, could have issued a warrant for his arrest, but he did not do so. District Attorney Dinis chose not to pursue Kennedy for manslaughter, despite Judge Boyle's conclusions. (I wonder why? -- TT.)

The Kopechne family did not bring any legal action against Senator Kennedy, but they did receive a payment of $90,904 from the Senator personally and $50,000 from his insurance company. The Kopechnes later explained their decision to not take legal action by saying that "We figured that people would think we were looking for blood money."

So now we know the value of a young, vibrant life to Ted Kennedy: $140,904.00. Anyone else want to give up someone they dearly love for that amount?

[8] Kennedy received a two-month jail sentence for leaving the scene of an accident with injuries, the minimum legal sentence for that offense in Mass., but the sentence was suspended. He served no time at all.

The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles held a hearing regarding the accident as pertaining to Kennedy's driver's license, which had been temporarily suspended pending the hearing. It found that "operation was too fast for existing conditions" in the accident. On May 27, the Registrar informed Sen. Kennedy in a letter that "I am unable to find that the fatal accident in which a motor vehicle operated by you was involved, was without serious fault on your part", and that as a result, his driver's license was suspended for a further six months.

Wow! Talk about "tough on crime"! That would mean he'd have to *go back to using his chauffeur again*, as he did not choose to do on the night in question, for some mysterious reason. No more boffing girls in the car for the next six months, Ted! Yer gonna have to get a room! That'll teach ya!

[9] After Kennedy's death, Ed Klein, an editor for New York Times Magazine and an author of several books about the Kennedy family, stated that one of Kennedy's "favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, 'have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?'" Klein also said, "It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too." (radio interview linked in outro)

Excuse me, exactly what other side would there be to this? But Teddy was right: there's definitely a ridiculous side. Ridiculous justice system, ridiculous sheep instead of voters, ridiculous US Senate to seat someone after they've committed manslaughter. Ted, you made the entire United States of America look ridiculous, and as your supporters here have said, that legacy will live on forever.

The radio interview re: [9] is here. Klein's remark comes in an exchange that begins around 29:45.

© 2009 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail: tomm...@yahoo.com

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 12

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 2   0
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 3   1
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 4   0
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 5   11
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User Comments

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Mark Scotti - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Errra, quite the fiddleshell classic!! 555 fathoms down....
Mark Scotti - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Didn't see my comment, so this might post twice: Another fiddleshell classic, at the expense of errrra...Teddy! 555 fathoms down...
Timmy1000 - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Nice double today. I hadn't heard about the jokes before. Pretty sad.
Guy - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
FG & TT - Fiddle and Turtle is combersome to use in addressing you two - I think I'll combine Fiddle and Turtle and let's just call it Furtile. Or maybe Tiddle? =;-) I'm just fiddlin' around with you two.

You two certainly did your homework on this one. I read the entire footnote comment section. Being ridiculous and wanting to hear Chap. jokes - that's sick as hell. I'm just sorry that he didn't live on for a few more years - his absence from the Senate meant he was not casting votes so the magic number 60 that is filibuster proof will soon be realized. There goes the checks and balances right out the window. I'm Guy DiRito and I'm not running for any public office and I approve of this parody.

Why no opposition to this parody yet? I can't believe that you two could actually stifle the left overs. I guess they have chosen to be left out. I got 5's all over this. Excellent politico. And yes you can and no they don't.
Fiddlegirl - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Mark: I can't "fathom" how he ever managed to not only walk away from the crime/punishment, but flourish in the Senate-- to the point where he's been practically canonized upon his passing. Thanks for v/c, as always.

Timmy1000: Isn't it? I'm glad there are still a few sensible folks out here. :)

Guy: Muah! And although you're not running for office, I'm penciling you in. ;)
TT @ Guy - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
It's definitely a furtile partnership, and we do tiddle around with the lyrics for a bit, so either one works for me, although "furtle" makes the better pun, IMHO. :)

I would guess the reason that the opposition hasn't shown up, aside from the inherent lack of spine, is that unlike their rants, this parody is supported by "facts" -- a word foreign to them, and in the face of which they're helpless. Cold, hard, irrefutable facts. They should try it some time, but as the saying goes, "I've made up my mind -- don't confuse me with the facts!" ... thanks Guy.
Guy @ TT - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Besides foreign. "fact" is a four letter word that starts with "F". And it always makes me wonder just what exactly have they made their mind up to or what?. Reminds me of:

McCoy - Forget about that - I've changed my mind.
Spock - Why, is there something wrong with the one you had?
Christie Marie M - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Yayyy!! My fave parody duo! I take it you've been collaborating like crazy and everyone's enjoying it. I know I sure am! I think that you're the new Merry & Pippin, in a way! Cheers to the Girl and her Turtle!! I echo all comments above! 5's!
TJC - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Drowning in laughter, I'm in complete agreement with Christie here... a great parody, by a great duo, lexhaustively researched and, er, Right on! And, LOL FG's comments to Mark! PS: I've noticed TT's shell is taking on a distinctly hourglass silhouette... a burgeoning fiddle perhaps?
Tommy Turtle - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Guy: LOL!

Christie Marie M: Shhhh! No one's supposed to know that we've been collaborating like crazy! (looks up "collaborate" in dictionary) oh, OK. Yeah, we've been doing that. Was afraid it was something that Ted and Mary Jo were doing :) Thanks for v/c, and although FG is too new to know or remember M&P, I'll assure her that that is a compliment of the highest order possible. Thanks for v/c!

TJC: So long as it's laughter, not water... As for that silhouette, the truth is, FG got me impregnated from all the Vulcan mind-melding :) On the other hand, she's learning to crawl at the Turtle's pace, a subject about which more will be said tomorrow (Tuesday 9/1). Thanks for v/c!
blackjack21 - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Just the facts, ma'am. (and Turtle) Excellent work! 555 pieces of incriminating evidence.
AFW - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
You should be an attorney, TT...you make a great case here..
TT - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21 : Just call me Joe Friday. (It's always Friday to me lol). Too bad the evidence was suppressed or ignored. Thanks for v/c.

AFW: I'll overlook that insult! :) Attorney -- sheesh, the only lower form of life is politicians. Hey, wait, aren't most politicians attorneys -- including the late Sen. Kennedy? THAT explains a lot! .. Appreciate the opinion that "we" make a good case -- credit for my co-author, please. Thanks for v/c.
Dave - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
This tragidy had one great benifit,and that is, it killed his chance to become president!Oh this is the least of a long line of crap he did to the American people,and considering how he is being held up as some kind of a super saint, the truth needs to get out before the masses greatly!He was a phony, a killer/drunk,and a traitor,stabbing both carter & Reagan in the back to the soviets.
Tommy Turtle - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Dave: A silver lining to every cloud... As for getting the truth out, we've been trying, but so far, Reuters, AP, MSNBC, CNN, BBC, etc. haven't picked up our parodies. Thanks for v.c!
Lifeliver - March 30, 2013 - Report this comment
Wow! What can I say except the prosecution rests its case. Simply awesome research of the original testimony. This scandal should be studied in high school civics. What is it with those Kennedys and testosterone anyway? A few hail Marys and a donation to the poorbox gave them a clean sheet?
Tommy Turtle - March 31, 2013 - Report this comment
LL, the Kennedys own Massachusetts via wealth and political power. Hence the clean sheet. They let their hormones run wild because they can. It isn't studied in any civics or US history classes, because our schools have become more and more slanted to what in the US would be labeled as Leftist, which the Kennedys were. Thanks for following the link and the kind words.

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