(Background music : String bass played very slowly with a bow)

(Spoken)
"Do as I say, not as I do!"
Throughout history, the citizens of Harper Valley - especially the junior high school Parent Teacher Association - have covered up the skeletons in their own closets by intruding into the lives of outsiders. As the daughter of a victim of these foul activities, I can speak from cruel experience. Friends, hear me out! This could happen to you.

(Eight measure up tempo guitar/banjo introduction)

(Sung)
Well let me tell you a story 'bout my widowed mama
And what happened on that dark day.
I came home with a sealed letter addressed "Mrs. Johnson"
From the middle school P.T.A..

Oh did she tell them all off? Yeah, she told them all off,
And I'll not forget that day. (Just like Christmas!)
For they still remember here in Harper Valley
When she ripped the school's P.T.A.

And the gist of the message? "You're an unfit mother.
You dress like a five-dollar whore.
You've been drinking, you've been flirting, hanging out in bar rooms.
You're a widow! Don't do this no more.".

Oh did she take them all on? Yeah, she took them all on,
And I bet their ears still burn. (Just like lava!)
For she blew the cover of those busy bodies.
When will all those hypocrites learn?

Mom got real mad. She put on her short skirt and low top,
High-tailed it up to school.
They were meeting there, so she spoke to the assembly.
It's a wonder she kept her cool.

Oh did she cut them all down? Yeah, she cut them all down,
But she used a lot of class. (Audrey Hepburn!)
For with no rehearsing, and with not much cursing,
My mom tore them all a new *ss!

She told all about that lecher Bobby Taylor
And his equally cheating spouse.
The righteous Mr. Baker - knocked up his secretary.
Shirley's breath smells like gin, the louse!

Oh did she call them all out? Yeah, she called them all out.
She showed them for what they were. (Like a CAT scan!)
There's none like my mama from Maine to Bahama.
They were fools for messing with her!

Our dear Mr. Harper's missing, passed out at Kelly's Tavern.
Widow Jones does a shade show each night.
"How dare you tell me I'm an unfit parent!
You're all hypocrites! You're not wrapped tight!"

Oh did she sock it to them? Yeah, she socked it to them!
There was nothing they could say. (White-face mime time!)
'Twas a day of legend here in Harper Valley
Whe she shut up the P.T.A..
And I swear it happened this way!
So I've heard old Tom T. Hall say.
(Tell 'em, Ribber!)