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Song Parodies -> "Cruel, and Bland, and Sex-Addicted: Three Who Led The Romans"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Julie Andrews

Parody Song Title:

"Cruel, and Bland, and Sex-Addicted: Three Who Led The Romans"

Parody Written by:

Mistress Leola

The Lyrics

Zeez noughty boyz...
The hist'ry books have overlooked a tale not widely known
About the triplet emperors who once led Ancient Rome
Of all the sources, only wikipedia alone
Lays bare the facts about these hacks, once forced to share the throne

Uber-phallic, bland, sadistic: three who led the Romans
Fated for obscurity (as foretold by the omens...)
"Questionable" sources are the only ones they're known in
Uber-phallic, bland, sadistic: three who led the Romans
Their mother, vain Gedouttame, herself was quite perverse
She felt the goddess Venus made her pregnant as a curse
She griped about the girth she’d gained, and swore she’d never nurse
And once the pains of labor came, she went from bad to worse:

Julius Lascivious was first-born to the mother
Then emerged Lordoverus, and mom screamed "Not another!"
When Euborus crawled out next, she sighed and moaned "oh, brother..."
(If there was a fourth in there, she surely had it smothered...)
The triplets all were set aside - their wet nurse had to wash
She dabbed her nursing nipples, as the cloth caressed her crotch
Her bathing so distracted her, she didn't closely watch
She lost all track of which-was-which, and what a task to botch!

Ditsy nurse Divinia, the dilettante of nurse porn
Lost all track of who-was-who, and which was last-or-first-born
Now they'd have to share the throne, for better or for worse-born
Ditsy nurse Divinia, the dilettante of nurse porn
Lascivious Disgustus was a toga-chasing lech
He had his way with man or beast - whatever he could catch
To call him "omnisexual" would hardly be a stretch
His thirst for kink, I tend to think, would make most nymphos retch...

Julius Lascivious Disgustus Nero Caesar:
Phallo-phyllic, pubi-centric, pervy penus-squeezer
Avaricious anything-and-anybody pleaser
Julius Lascivious Disgustus Nero Caesar
Lordoverus Oppressus was the tyrant of the three
"I caned, I sawed, I conked her!" he once gloated with great glee
His branch was the most twisted of this wretched fam'ly tree
It's for the best he's more or less been lost to history

Julius Lordoverus Oppressus Thoeunedus
Feed us to the lions? Well... at least, that way you'll "feed us"!
When your wars don't kill us, your outrageous taxes bleed us
Julius Lordoverus Oppressus Thoeunedus
Now, Julius Euborus was, in contrast, quite benign
His feasts were bland and vegan, paired with water - never wine
His "orgies" were mere snuggle-fests where no one "crossed the line"
And if you swore around this bore, you'd have to pay a fine!

Julius Euborus... to the point where we are snoring
Your two brothers are a mess, but by the GODS you're boring!
Let your swear jar fund a night of wenches, wine and whoring
Julius, just trust us... you will thank us in the morning!
One total drag, one horny stag, one cruel and twisted prick:
One bores you, one "back doors" you, and one gores you just for kicks
Imagine them as Disney dwarves named Sleepy, Slutty, Sick
With one a bust, one filled with lust, and one that's just a d*ck

Cruel, and bland, and sex-addicted: three who led the Romans
Rescued from obscurity, now somewhat better-known men
Sadly, though, they're only known as "unfit for the throne" men
Cruel, and bland, and sex-addicted: three who led the Romans!

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 38

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   35

User Comments

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Peter Andersson - January 24, 2023 - Report this comment
Happy Chappy - January 24, 2023 - Report this comment
Another brilliant work. Keep up the good!
CML - January 24, 2023 - Report this comment
Good song to parody. If you have a good sub for the title, the rest is a Cinch
Lorna pitzer - January 24, 2023 - Report this comment
I wouldn’t even try parodying this song. Brilliant
Phil Alexander - January 25, 2023 - Report this comment
I think I might have said this already, but it's still bloody marvellous :-)
Arwen - January 26, 2023 - Report this comment
I'll say it again for the people in the're making me want to write again, Darling Mistress. Or, at the very least, revisit the site and wander down memory lane. Love this!
CML - January 26, 2023 - Report this comment
We'd love to see some more from you, Arwen. You were terrific. Seems like a trio of talented women nrwbettes have popped out of nowhere. Maybe you can show them how its done

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