She thinks there's nothing better than a mall trip
She loves to buy
(bills now sky-high)
She thinks that I'm a lousy alcoholic
I like my rye
(his liver's fried)

Oh I, I love to spend my time in drinking
Some nights till dawn
(he ties one on)
To set the air afoul with my breath stinking
My lunch is gone
(up, it was thrown)

Bitchin', bitchin'! Screaming in my ear
Bitchin', bitchin'! Wish she'd disappear
She's sick of me, I'm sick of her, she's sick of me, I'm sick of her
Sick is what we are, she's sick of me, I'm sick of her

Some think it dumb for me to be romancing
Out on the sly
(zip up your fly)
I think that guy, at me, keeps quickly glancing
A private eye?
(gay cable guy)

But, oh, this drunken tart I'm with is lovely
She seems so nice
(her hair has lice)
I wonder just what she is thinking of me
I'll roll the dice
(you'll pay the price)

Herpes, herpes! Spread it all around
Herpes, herpes! Cheating I am found
Infected me, infected her, infected me, infected her
Curtain's coming down, infected me, infected her

Ah me! I'm being sued for second sourcing
She threw me out
(the drunken lout)
Soon we will be in court for our divorcing
A legal bout
(he'll lose, no doubt)

The judge tells me I must have something missing
Within my mind
(was being kind)
When through, I will not have a pot to piss in
Justice is blind
(but not this time)

Lawyers, lawyers, vultures that they are
Lawyers, lawyers, she gets house and car
She's sick of me, I'm sick of her, she's sick of me, I'm sick of her
She gets house and car, she's sick of me, I'm sick of her