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Song Parodies -> "I Am A Singing Teacher Of Some Anglo-Saxon History (C. 455 - 878 A.D.)"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"I Am A Singing Teacher Of Some Anglo-Saxon History (C. 455 - 878 A.D.)"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

For pacing I used the Live at the Delacorte Theatre DVD with George Rose as the major-general.

About binomial theorem/No doubt the Cantii’ll jeer ‘em.
The Cantii were a tribe that occupied the south-eastern tip of England (Kent).
I’ve never known how Cantii is actually pronounced but for this parody it works best to say it as Canty.

Crimes of Heliogabalus/Angles in East Anglia.
The original has a 17th syllable which is added in Heliogabalus - I've kept it as 16 for reading purposes (it flows better).
For singing purposes the extra syllable could be made up by saying Eastern Anglia instead of East Anglia but at the speed it's sung at it doesn't really notice much either way.

And before anyone points them out I have used two words which I made up because I really couldn't come up with anything else. It's pretty obvious what I mean by them though.
TEACHER – INTRODUCTION
I am a singin’ teacher of some Anglo-Saxon history
It’s not about King Arthur’s Table: that is still a mystery
I sing of kings of England who were tough an’ up for fistery
They rode upon a horse to war, their buttocks raw an’ blistery

TEACHER (C. 455 A.D.)
No Roman law, the Jutes arrive all dressed in itchy hosiery
They hate all that religion, got no need for cross or rosary
No doubt the Cantii’ll jeer ‘em, they’ve come ashore in Kent to seize
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh, Kent to seize, Kent to seize…got it!
(Resume singing)
The Britons try to rally men coz they’ve got no intent to please

STUDENTS
The men of Kent are whacked about, the Jutes can beat ‘em up with ease
The men of Kent are hacked about, for Jutes the feat is such a breeze
Now tell us all the facts about the where an’ when, the bigger picture, please

TEACHER (C. 460 – C. 600 A.D.)
Usurpers come an’ battle for the north an’ south an’ in-between
The Ancient Britons are no match so mainly they jus’ flee the scene
Their life in tatters an’ unstable, no way left to earn a bean
Their lot is not a doddle as the Pagans are a war machine

STUDENTS
We hope your chatters go to cable, telly’s hip, we’ll all be keen
At home for class an’ dossin’ with a puff o’ ganja in-between

-------------------------

TEACHER (C. 460 – 600 A.D.)
The Angles win the Midlands an’ the land is known as Mercia
Directly to the north there are the Angles of Northumbria
I’m pretty sure you’ll guess that it’s more Angles in East Anglia
The Britons of the north still have the bit we know as Cumbria

TEACHER (C. 460 – 600 A.D.)
An’ the Saxons win the rest with ease, they’re cocky an’ they puff an’ preen
The eastern one is Essex but few written docs a buff’ll glean
The western one is Wessex with the leader who is rough an’ mean
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh, puff an’ preen, rough an’ mean…got it!
(Resume singing)
The southern one is Sussex but at times they find it tough an’ lean

STUDENTS
We think we want to send a text that you let off a guff obscene
We think we want King Alfred next, at mindin’ cake he’s duff an’ green
He’s got a battle comin’ an’ the winner puts a stiffy in the queen

TEACHER (878 A.D.)
In Wessex there is Alfred who is Great but suffers Viking woe
His men are trained to use a shield to make a wall when in a row
Up short is Guthrum, isn’t able to defeat his mighty foe
Upon the field are dead ‘uns with their eyes a feast for any crow

STUDENTS
We think your patter’s dull an’ feeble, only cool when had a blow
This is a loada twaddle an’ your singin’ is a bummer, bro

-------------------------

TEACHER (878 A.D.)
Intact…but he’s a nutter: spent…a wham upon…his granite chin
Coz Guthrum knows his fight…the mauler really thought that he could win
He’s rough an’ tears the panties off the ladies…he’s one scary cat
Now if he won’t act nicely Alf will squash him…like a prairie rat

TEACHER (878 A.D.)
An’ now back home King Alfred has just laid the royal bunnery
Been done before: his youngest will be abbess in a nunnery
It’s time…now I’ve been prattling to have a test on history
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh I say, that’s a hard-on ain’t it? History, hist…ha, ha, ha, ha…got it!
(Resume singing)
You’ll do it better if you learned it all, that’s not a mystery

STUDENTS
We’ve got to make a visit down the hall we need to take a pee
We’ve got some papers hidden in a stall we need to go an’ see
We broke into your office, took ‘em all, we even made a cup of tea

TEACHER
If you want to go to college you’ll be lucky if you get a seat
But if your dad is rich enough you’re gettin’ in though you’re a cheat
I’ve got the papers on the table all the rest were never true
I am the clever teacher and I’ve always been ahead of you

STUDENTS
You’ve got the papers on the table, wondered how you ever knew
You are the crafty sod who we thought never really had a clue

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 2   1
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User Comments

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Mark Scotti - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Ah, a Primis Pimer!!! Wonderful write, Andy!
alvin - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
history made fun
Mark Scotti - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Hit the wrong key and spelled your name wrong on my last comment, Andy. Make that a 'Primus Primer'...
Andy Primus - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks Alvin & Mark
AFW - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Sounds good to me...555
Andy Primus - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks AFW
John Barry - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
What Alvin said.
Andy Primus - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks John
William, Duke of Normandy - May 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Ahh, who cares ... yer all mine now, mwahahaha!

So this is the MG project you've been working on... a "Major" addition to the "General Genre", and educational, unlike *some* parodies of TOS. And as for "making up words", or, as we French stuck a stiffy of many of our own words into the Anglo-Saxon language (Latin and Greek roots included) ,"neologism" -- well, not only do we love that here, it's *mandatory*. And congrats on topping the Footnote King by becoming the Headnote King, first and only!

555+++ for this Magnum Opus Primus Promoris (there goes that Romance influence again), and to see what short shrift is made of British history by the schools of your American descendants, see:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/hermanshermits130.shtml>BR> (TT)
Phil Alexander - May 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Fantastic, Andy. So tell me... are you a history teacher?
Leo Keough - May 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Lots of funny rhymes here...555!!!
Andy Primus - May 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks TT - I suppose I should have put them as footnotes but I wanted any readers to see the Cantii bit about pronounciation before they read the parody not afterwards.

Thanks Phil - no I'm not a history teacher. I haven't got the patience to deal with unruly and stroppy kids. Maybe if it was still like my schooldays when you could lob the blackboard eraser at them. It seems nowadays that a kid can be beating the crap out of a teacher and the only thing they're allowed to do is ask very nicely if they wouldn't mind stopping.

Thanks Leo
Tommy Turtle - May 16, 2009 - Report this comment
Andy, thanks for taking the time to read my critique of US schools. Somehow, I'm afraid either that song's message was misunderstood, or I misunderstood your comment there. I replied to that effect. No obligations, OK, but if you do have time to check it once more, I think you'd see that I'm eminently in favor of US schools teaching much, much more of the civilizations from which ours evolved: the ancient, including Persia, Greece Rome, etc., and the immediate, which was that of Great Britain. Thanks either way.
Meriadoc - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Especially liked 'buttock raw and blistery' and 'itchy hosiery'. The kid's responses were hilarious! A hysterical historical!
Andy Primus - August 08, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks for the v & c Meriadoc

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