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Song Parodies -> "Test Tube Stem Cell General"
Original Song Title:
"Modern Major General"
Original Performer:
Gilbert & Sullivan
Parody Song Title:
"Test Tube Stem Cell General"
Parody Written by:
Patrick McWilliams
The Lyrics
This song, with its fast-paced delivery, has always intimidated me. But Tommy's version last week came with a footnote stating that the whole thing simply consists of a string of 16-syllable lines. I wasn't sure where to begin until I realized just what a general is: the leader of an army. From there, as anyone familiar with my works will guess, the theme for this parody was obvious. A couple of notes: Molossia is properly pronounced with 4 syllables. But to fit the rhyme I pronounced it as most readers would likely say "Mo-low-shuh". The War Between Molossia and Mustachistan (May 22-June 8, 2006) may be studied at www.molossia.org/war/history.html
I am the first example of a test-tube stem-cell general
Each soldier's genes have been enhanced with attributes of animal
I study all the great campaigns to aid me in my master plan
The War Between Molossia and the Sheikhdom of Mustachistan
I'm very well acquainted with all matters biological
A pioneer of applications anthro-zoölogical
My troops will be hand-crafted with the military traits I choose
I have refined my strategy, this time I don't intend to lose
(Clone Army Chorus)
He has refined his strategy, this time we're not about to lose
We will confront the enemy at any time and place we choose
Our uniforms are snazzy and we're wearing brand new army shoes
(Me)
I haven't got the time to wait on processes Darwinian
I'll stake the future of my schemes on techniques Frankenstinian
Let others rant and rave about their theories evolution'ry
While I pursue a course a bit more practical and mercen'ry
I'll consult with Doc Moreau, there are aspects that I must refine
I may not have intelligence, but 'tis for sure I have design
I've built some high-speed midget tanks and scaled the drivers down to fit
The technique is exclusive and I think that I shall "Patton" it
Selected sharp-eyed marksmen will receive the limbs of chimpanzees
They'll be deployed as snipers, since they will feel quite at home in trees
My frogmen will be trained in all the requisite aquatic skills
And with a bit of splicing they will all be born with fish-like gills
My airmen, wingèd hybrids like the ancient fabled Icarus
Confined to lower altitudes so they won't end up Dead-alus
(Cloned Airmen Chorus)
We'll demonstrate our flying skills and leave you all incredulous
We'll spread our wings at air shows any time you'd like to schedule us
But not too closely to the sun, lest we should wind up Dead-alus
(Me, again)
To hide my secrets from the foe I am, of course, fanatical
So I maintain my diaries in Volapük grammatical
I even write it backward in the old Cyrillic alphabet
A text so well encrypted I have not myself deciphered yet
Peruse my manifesto, it's on line or on the bookstore shelf
So, you don't comprehend it? Well, at times I am confused, myself
Each private in my army's ranks is in effect a son to me
This pistol in my holster, it is more than just a gun to me
When you are shooting bullets or collecting strands of DNA
You have to aim things carefully, it's not a case of "point and spray"
My choice of avocation, you might say that it is quite a fluke
The sight of blood on battlefield or in a beaker makes me puke
I never fail to jump with fear when frightened by the noise
Of shooting off artillery or playing with my other toys
(Lab Crew Chorus)
The enterprise that he has launched involves some probes explorat'ry
The chunks he blew beholding goo are simply not ignorat'ry
Thank goodness we've got Igor, he's the chief of the laborat'ry
(Back to me again)
I have a checkered history of mishaps microcellular
My last attempt to rule the world was quickly shot to hell-ular
But I've regrouped my forces, and though there's a lot I have to learn
Like Dugout Doug MacArthur I proclaim that I, too shall return
Conquistadoric sorties have thus far proven ephemeral
But you've not heard the last of this gene-splicing test tube general
Each soldier's genes have been enhanced with attributes of animal
I study all the great campaigns to aid me in my master plan
The War Between Molossia and the Sheikhdom of Mustachistan
I'm very well acquainted with all matters biological
A pioneer of applications anthro-zoölogical
My troops will be hand-crafted with the military traits I choose
I have refined my strategy, this time I don't intend to lose
(Clone Army Chorus)
He has refined his strategy, this time we're not about to lose
We will confront the enemy at any time and place we choose
Our uniforms are snazzy and we're wearing brand new army shoes
(Me)
I haven't got the time to wait on processes Darwinian
I'll stake the future of my schemes on techniques Frankenstinian
Let others rant and rave about their theories evolution'ry
While I pursue a course a bit more practical and mercen'ry
I'll consult with Doc Moreau, there are aspects that I must refine
I may not have intelligence, but 'tis for sure I have design
I've built some high-speed midget tanks and scaled the drivers down to fit
The technique is exclusive and I think that I shall "Patton" it
Selected sharp-eyed marksmen will receive the limbs of chimpanzees
They'll be deployed as snipers, since they will feel quite at home in trees
My frogmen will be trained in all the requisite aquatic skills
And with a bit of splicing they will all be born with fish-like gills
My airmen, wingèd hybrids like the ancient fabled Icarus
Confined to lower altitudes so they won't end up Dead-alus
(Cloned Airmen Chorus)
We'll demonstrate our flying skills and leave you all incredulous
We'll spread our wings at air shows any time you'd like to schedule us
But not too closely to the sun, lest we should wind up Dead-alus
(Me, again)
To hide my secrets from the foe I am, of course, fanatical
So I maintain my diaries in Volapük grammatical
I even write it backward in the old Cyrillic alphabet
A text so well encrypted I have not myself deciphered yet
Peruse my manifesto, it's on line or on the bookstore shelf
So, you don't comprehend it? Well, at times I am confused, myself
Each private in my army's ranks is in effect a son to me
This pistol in my holster, it is more than just a gun to me
When you are shooting bullets or collecting strands of DNA
You have to aim things carefully, it's not a case of "point and spray"
My choice of avocation, you might say that it is quite a fluke
The sight of blood on battlefield or in a beaker makes me puke
I never fail to jump with fear when frightened by the noise
Of shooting off artillery or playing with my other toys
(Lab Crew Chorus)
The enterprise that he has launched involves some probes explorat'ry
The chunks he blew beholding goo are simply not ignorat'ry
Thank goodness we've got Igor, he's the chief of the laborat'ry
(Back to me again)
I have a checkered history of mishaps microcellular
My last attempt to rule the world was quickly shot to hell-ular
But I've regrouped my forces, and though there's a lot I have to learn
Like Dugout Doug MacArthur I proclaim that I, too shall return
Conquistadoric sorties have thus far proven ephemeral
But you've not heard the last of this gene-splicing test tube general
If this goes over well, I may start looking again for that half-baked slice of "American Pie" I lost somewhere in the archives.
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User Comments
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Line in "My choice of avocation..." should read "I never fail to jump with fright when I am startled by the noise".
Patrick - WAY too many incredible lines to cite them all. A veritable feast . This test-tube concoction is certainly no clone! ;D
WOW!!! This sure makes cloning three fives to you very easy...
I'm 'perusing your manifesto' indeed! Fantastic idea and lexecution with lots of cool historical and bio-sci refs... generally speaking, a major hit!
Marvelous from start to finish! A 555-star General! I don't even know where to begin listing favorite lines- there's so much wit, humor and imagination here. LOL @ the reference to Dr. Moreau, and the delightful wordplay of "Patton"-ing the technique of shrinking drivers to fit the midget tanks. Also giving riflemen chimpanzee limbs, and the coded text being so convulted it's indecipherable even to the writer.
The only pairing I have mixed feelings about is the one with Icarus and "Dead"-alus. Since all the other lines follow the OS rhyme scheme, the lack of rhyme here is jarring. But the play on words is clever, and the refrain following absolutely delightful. Masterfully done! :D
The only pairing I have mixed feelings about is the one with Icarus and "Dead"-alus. Since all the other lines follow the OS rhyme scheme, the lack of rhyme here is jarring. But the play on words is clever, and the refrain following absolutely delightful. Masterfully done! :D
To fly with flimsy wings like that I'd need some coaxing liquor-ous.
For a first-time try, this is incredible.
But to elaborate on what FG said, *many* of the lines don't follow the third-from-end rhyme scheme of TOS, as described in the tutorial,
"The Major-General's Parody's A Challenge Steep And Ominous"
The footnotes explain this more thoroughly.
Also, "I never fail to jump with fear when frightened by the noise" is 14 syllables.
Enough nit-picking. John Jenkins once gave this writer a pass when one of his 13 MG's deviated from the tri-syllable rhyme at the very end, so it's the least one can do for a first-timer. And the pun on the Greek myth of Daedalus was wordsmithery at its finest, and the ref to "Dugout Doug" MacArthur (no relation to Stuart -- wait, didn't the General spend some time in Australia? *That* explains a *lot*! ;-D ) was another touch of genius.
555, and keep at it, polishing and honing. And you have NO reason to be intimidated by anyof the Big 7 or other OS.
Looking forward to your APie -- and this is the second of two songs visited so far where this writer has been plugged. Thanks, but I hope *some* songs today will stop with the over-exposure, before readers get even sicker of TT than they are already. ;--D
But to elaborate on what FG said, *many* of the lines don't follow the third-from-end rhyme scheme of TOS, as described in the tutorial,
"The Major-General's Parody's A Challenge Steep And Ominous"
The footnotes explain this more thoroughly.
Also, "I never fail to jump with fear when frightened by the noise" is 14 syllables.
Enough nit-picking. John Jenkins once gave this writer a pass when one of his 13 MG's deviated from the tri-syllable rhyme at the very end, so it's the least one can do for a first-timer. And the pun on the Greek myth of Daedalus was wordsmithery at its finest, and the ref to "Dugout Doug" MacArthur (no relation to Stuart -- wait, didn't the General spend some time in Australia? *That* explains a *lot*! ;-D ) was another touch of genius.
555, and keep at it, polishing and honing. And you have NO reason to be intimidated by anyof the Big 7 or other OS.
Looking forward to your APie -- and this is the second of two songs visited so far where this writer has been plugged. Thanks, but I hope *some* songs today will stop with the over-exposure, before readers get even sicker of TT than they are already. ;--D
Sorry, meant to leave the conveniecne-link to the third-syllable-rhyme guide:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/gilbertsullivan116.shtml
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/gilbertsullivan116.shtml
Just saw your first comment. Not used to writers doing that, so didn't "see" that you'd caught the glitch.Strike another nit. :)
If/when you've absorbed all that, lemme know, and we'll talk about matching the stresses. Or just see Footnote [2] in the linked song. But this is truly quite enough scrutiny of a great toe-in-the-water for now!
All I know is.......You have all the makings of a Major Mockery General........Salute..!
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