1. I am the very model of a modern major general
I’ve information tantalising, televised and trivial
I never miss Big Brother and I follow every episode,
The highlights and the sordid bits, each second that they’ve ever showed.
My hero’s Brother Cadfall for his cunning and his piety,
I know the names of everybody seen on Royal Variety,
I worship Simon Cowell, he’s so funny and so debonair,
And long to win a fortune on Who wants to be a Millionaire (repeat)

I value Antiques Roadshow, I can tell when oak is teak I think,
I’d like to hit Anne Robinson and show the world her Weakest Link
But still in matters tantalising, televised and trivial
I am the very model of a modern major general.

2. I can formulate a business plan to win the day on Dragon’s Den
I know which is the scarier, the daleks or the cyber men,
I know the list of doctors, their companions I can fully state,
I’ve travelled in the Tardis and I know how to regenerate.
I can tell apart the Mitchell twins, I know my way round Albert Square,
I sense the breath of happiness when Stacey Slater isn’t there,
I know what type of alcohol drove Hancock to inebriety
And saw them eating kangaroo poo on I’m a celebrity. (repeat)

Then I can solve the crime before Miss Marple or Inspector Morse
Or watch John Sergeant dancing without knowing if he’ll last the course,
But still in matters tantalising, televised and trivial
I am the very model of a modern major general.

3. In short, when I know what is meant by ‘eat my shorts’ and Homer’s ‘D’oh!’,
When lovely Carol Vorderman presents another Countdown show,
When I can tell that Bob the Builder what it is he needs to fix,
When Fifi will forget-me-not and Sponge-bob isn’t up to tricks,
When I can ask the banker first before I say ‘Deal’ or ‘No deal’
When I can teach the men in River Cottage how to cook an eel,
In short, when I’ve a smattering of Sherlock Holmes’ strategy
You’ll say a better Major general has never sat-agee. (repeat)

For my military knowledge, though it’s plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century,
But still in matters tantalising, televised and trivial
I am the very model of a modern major general.