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Song Parodies -> "A Modern Vegetarian"

Original Song Title:

"The Modern Major General"

Original Performer:

George Grossmith (1880)

Parody Song Title:

"A Modern Vegetarian"

Parody Written by:

Meryl Danziger

The Lyrics

1

I am the very model of a Modern Vegetarian
I’ve traded in my haute cuisine for diet more agrarian
To demonstrate my fervent and unwavering obedience
I’m always reading labels and examining ingredients.

The preparations for a simple snack seem insurmountable
The hours chopping, soaking, grating, peeling are uncountable
No sooner have the breakfast dishes cleared than I’m preparing lunch
Regarding time for other things, I really haven’t got a bunch.

Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a bunch.
Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a bunch.
Regarding time for other things, he really hasn’t got a - got a bunch.

Inclined to be fanatic, I have chosen something suitable
Though what inspired this cur’ious transformation is inscrutable
Perhaps it was alternatives that seemed to me barbarian
So I became the model of a Modern Vegetarian.

Perhaps it was alternatives that seemed to him barbarian
So he became the model of a Modern Vegetarian.


2

I started as an omnivore, oblivious and satisfied
Until I got to won-der-ing how chickens end up southern-fried
And so began a quest to find the edibles that could replace
The sorts of things I now refused to eat because they had a face.

Tamari, tempeh, veggie burgers, tofu, wheat germ, beans and more
If ever I am needed, you will find me at the health food store
It’s true I find from time to time I might be missing meat a bit
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find me eating it.

But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating it.
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating it.
But if the thing had parents, then you will not find him eating - eating it.

They say a plant-based diet is a blueprint for longevity
Although some centenarians carnivorous would disagree
And whether to be vegan or to add some eggs and dairy in
An existential question for our Modern Vegetarian!

And whether to be vegan or to add some eggs and dairy in
An existential question for our Modern Vegetarian!


3

Establishments that offer veggie fare make sure the menu suits
A clientele perceived to be enamored of meat substitutes
Quotation marks around a menu item mean it’s in disguise
As Peking “Duck” or Leg of “Lamb” or something people recognize.

And if you’ve never tried to cook a vegetarian request
I do not recommend that you invite me as a dinner guest
You’ll toil away to get it right, but surely I’ll find something wrong
So if I come for dinner, I had better bring my own along.

So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own along
So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own along
So if he comes for dinner, he had better bring his own a- own along

My duty is to celebrate the life that I am living up
And try to not perseverate on all that I am giving up
But if you want advice, I’d say it’s better to be wary and
Consider thinking twice before becoming vegetarian.

But if you want advice, he’d say it’s better to be wary and
Consider thinking twice before becoming vegetarian.






© 2010 Meryl Danziger nycmusichouse.org

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Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

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User Comments

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AFW - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
EXcellent entry in the Major General club..favorite line - ' If the thing had parents, then you will not fine me eating it '
AFW - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Me, again...typo - fine - to find..perhaps a Freudian slip
John Barry - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Veggy good!
Porfle Popnecker - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
It's a pleasure to read such clever and finely-wrought wordplay.
Barry J. Mitchel - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
And now I know precisely what is meant by vegetarian! I have no beef with it, ate up the new word "perseverate" which ranks with "sat agee" in TOS. But I'd point out that many vegetables have parents too, by pollination. 5s
Dave W. - November 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Sounds like a Veggie-tale to me ..but I love it !
Dana Mathewson - November 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Wonderful job indeed. No, I've never been tempted to become a vegetarian -- there's that oft-quoted thing about how I haven't risen to the top of the food chain in order to eat only vegetables.
Renee Kornbluth - January 10, 2012 - Report this comment
We newly-converted vegans tend to take ourselves a bit too seriously. A good parody is just what the doctor ordered. However I'd change the line "Though what inspired this cur’ious transformation is inscrutable" to "Though what inspired me is Colin Campbell, quite inscrutable."
O. Feelya. - January 11, 2012 - Report this comment
I’ll simply state a fact with which no honest man can disagree: This is the very model of a picture perfect parody!

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