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Song Parodies -> "Will The Ravens Ever Score?"

Original Song Title:

"The Raven"

Original Performer:

Edgar Allan Poe

Parody Song Title:

"Will The Ravens Ever Score?"

Parody Written by:

John Jenkins

The Lyrics

Brian Billick, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens football team, assumes some of the aura of Edgar Allan Poe when he meets with his psychiatrist to discuss his schizophrenic (powerhouse defense and impotent offense) team. Although Mr. Poe's original poem was 18 verses, Mr. Billick cuts his version in half when he realizes his psychiatrist's hourly rate.
Once there was a summer rainstorm when my coaches tried to brainstorm,
But we were in such inane form, we missed what we were looking for.
At this late night coaches' meeting, my staff sadly kept repeating
Visions that were self-defeating about why we could not score.
Poor play-calling, lack of talent, these are why we could not score,
Plus a few excuses more.

As we approach a new September, will my offense have one member
Who has skill and might remember what that oblong ball is for?
Touchdowns and time of possession ought to be my team's obsession,
But I just feel more depression ev'ry time we fail to score.
Penalties and fumbled handoffs mean the Ravens do not score,
And we might not evermore.

It would be exciting to be the coach for an All Pro QB.
But we have an unskilled newbie taking snaps for Baltimore.
I would be ecstatic planning plays involving Peyton Manning
But his team's no longer spanning the hash marks of Baltimore.
(Cursed be that wretched owner who abandoned Baltimore
And will be shunned evermore.)

If we brought back John Unitas, would his talent re-ignite us?
Touchdowns were not accidental when he played for Baltimore.
Since we lack that "go-to" player, we are left without a prayer.
And I pop another Bayer to relieve a head that's sore.
Doctor, give me something stronger to relieve a head that's sore.
Then I'll worry nevermore.

I should rearrange my roster since my offense has imposters,
Whose Baltimore signing bonus was their only recent score.
Would a lineup change unglue us? What would other teams do to us
If I asked my star Ray Lewis to play tight end for Baltimore?
And would Kyle Boller stop the run as nose guard for Baltimore?
Or would our foes always score?

Why do player acquisitions suffer career demolitions
When they sign a Raven contract, and our offense they play for?
Why do diabolic voices torment our tight end draft choices?
Is that why not one rejoices when he's picked by Baltimore?
Can't I find someone with magic who can play for Baltimore?
Maybe Albus Dumbledore?

Of new Super Bowls I'm dreaming, which led me to do some scheming.
Into New York I went, screaming, up to Tagliabue's front door.
One concession I requested: "If a Raven gets arrested,
Don't make my team be divested, though his actions you deplore.
Else we might lose half our players for behavior you deplore.
Half our players, maybe more."

Then I begged the Rules Committee, "Show my quarterback some pity.
Let us score like Kansas City; or, at least, just let us score.
I would not need pain relievers if allowed six wide receivers,
Then the fans might be believers in the Birds of Baltimore.
Help me stop the ceaseless question from the fans of Baltimore:
"Will the Ravens ever score?'"

But my pleas were disregarded, and ESPN bombarded
Me with stories that predicted this year's team would never score.
Doctor, how can I continue working in this hostile venue?
Coaching isn't easy when you feel like you are in a war.
Tell me, doctor, when will I win this uncivil, psychic war.
Quoth the doctor, "Nevermore."

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2
 2
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   1
 1
 1
 
 5   17
 17
 17
 

User Comments

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Royce Miller - August 26, 2005 - Report this comment
pretty awesome, John
Johnny D - August 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Some of my favorite lines: "I would be ecstatic planning plays involving Peyton Manning" .... "If we brought back John Unitas, would his talent re-ignite us?" .... "I would not need pain relievers if allowed six wide receivers" ... What Royce said, JJ.
Michael Pacholek - August 26, 2005 - Report this comment
If the Ravens had an offense as good as this, they'd be unbeatable. Alas, unlike Ted Williams (who died just two months before), Johnny Unitas was not "traded to Arizona" and probably can't be cloned (as if Ted could).
John Jenkins - August 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you Royce, Johnny D, and Michael P. May Johnny U rest in peace. I don't think the Raven quarterbacks will experience a lot of peace this year.
Larry Hensley - August 26, 2005 - Report this comment
This former Baltimoron is a fan, 555
Liam McCormack (LamaRocks) - August 28, 2005 - Report this comment
possibly rhymed without a flaw, content did not stale or stall quoth the Lama, "5's for all"
Robert J. Pagliaro - September 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) JJ - believe it or not, I agree with Royce here. Nice job and I admire your outside the box thinking. As a former Balmorean (who must have sat at the traffic light by Poe's grave hundreds of times before discovering that he was buried there) and Raven fan - here's a natty boe and a plate of Bertha's muscles fer ya.
Agrimorfee - September 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) John Jenkins knows the score...
John Jenkins - September 09, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you Larry, Liam, Robert, and Agrimorfee. Larry, if you are a former "Baltimoron," does that mean that you have graduated to being a Baltigenius? Robert, I'm sure there have been many other occurrences, but I will note this occasion. And I hate to show my ignorance, but I assume that natty boe is some kind of beer that Baltimoreans drink with Bertha's mussels, which sounds like a good combination to me.
Larry Hensley - September 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I still like it.
Robert J. Pagliaro - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
JJ - ok, maybe one other time about dogs, but that's it - I swear. Anyway, thought you might have had some sort of Charm City connection. National Bohemian is a beer that is still brewed in Maryland - at least it was when I was there - you could get pints for a buck - and it wasn't too bad. Bertha's Mussels are from Bertha's bar in Fell's Point - bumper stickers and t-shirts which read: "Eat Bertha's Mussels." That's all. bob
EmiLoca - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) So many great lines...impeccable pacing...this beats my Raven rendition into a bloody pulp! John Jenkins has done it again.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Some brilliant internal feminine rhyming thoughout (even if you did repeat rhymings, you filthy stinking cheat!) You made it entertaining even for someone who knows nothing about American Football. 555
John Jenkins - September 13, 2005 - Report this comment
Bob, thanks for coming back to explain Baltimore customs to an unsophisticated left coast guy.

Emi, of course, you are being way too modest. In your opus, your raven might get beaten to a bloody pulp, but no other writer will do that to your parody.

Luke, you are right that I did rely a lot on "Baltimore" and "score" (just like Poe relied on "Lenore" and "door"). But I appreciate a non-American putting in some extra effort to assess the parody.
Adagio - September 22, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I really enjoyed this one, John.
Peter Andersson - September 24, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - I must admit that my in-depth knowledge of American Football doesn't go deep enough to judge this fairly, but as a poem it reads just fine. :-)
Red Ant - September 25, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I always am in awe of those who can parody this well. Great job here John.
Arwen - September 26, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM...quite impressive, John...my own team is doing well, lately...so I can't quite relate...; ).
Johnny D - September 27, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Adam Eccleshall - September 27, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Excellent. Loved the idea of Albus Dumbledore playing :-)
EmiLoca - September 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Second look-through and...Oh. Real nice. Way to desecrate the memory of Albus Dumbledore by suggesting he play for the FILTHY STINKIN' RAVENS! Avada Kedavra!!!
Tim Mayfield - September 27, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Fantastic.
Spaff.com - September 28, 2005 - Report this comment
Wow. I'm not that much of a football fan - the few games I watch each season are really just an excuse to get together with friends and consume thousands of empty calories - but I love love love this. THAT'S HOW FREAKING GOOD IT IS. "Baltimore" for "nevermore" and "the Ravens" for "the Raven" are a genius starting point, and the rest just flat-out exceeds expectations. The humor is great and your double (and even triple) rhyming is brilliant. This makes my list of favorite parodies on the site.
Phil Alexander - September 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Excellent, JJ. More sheer poe-etry, beautifully worked.
Rex - September 30, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I've had to endure a decade of bad football here in Dallas, so I can empathize. "Whose Baltimore signing bonus was their only recent score", heh heh.
Rick C - September 30, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Having had to memorize and recite the OP as punishment for some long forgotten high school crime, I now hate it and have loved every parody done on it. This is a standout. Being a football fan and, living in New England had been horrible for years. 555
Claude Prez - September 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Wow. First, as a pseudo-bandwagon fan living halfway between Undefeated Indy and Unbeaten Cincy, I'd like to thank Baltimore for both the Colts and Marvin Lewis. As a parody fan, I'd like to thank John Jenkins for some of the head-spinningest rhyming I've seen in quite a while. TMGLTM (That would be, "Too Many Great Lines To Mention"). Awesome stuff.
Stuart McArthur - October 01, 2005 - Report this comment
excellent stuff, John. top-notch pacing - I know nothing about US sports - baseball or football? - but when it rolls off the tongue like this does it's exquisite - 555
John Jenkins - October 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you, Adagio, K1cyd, Red Ant, Arwen, Johnny D, Adam, Emi, Tim, Spaff, Phil, Rex, Rick C, Claude, and Stuart:

Arwen: who is your team?

Spaff: thanks for your liberal use of the word “genius,” when I think you meant, “This was so obvious, why didn’t someone else think of it?”

Adam & Emi: the Ravens are so desperate that they might prefer Lord Voldemort, but it doesn’t quite rhyme.

Rex, Rick C, and Claude: at least you live in areas that have pro teams. I live in the Los Angeles/Anaheim area, which lost both pro teams in 1994. But I’m not complaining " it’s a lot more fun for me to follow college football since my alma mater is #1 ranked USC Trojans.
Kristof Robertson - October 03, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I spose I'd have to be American to truly appreciate this...but absolutely wonderfully written
Dee Range - October 03, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM. Having done this poem twice, and memorized it in grade school, I can attest to the fantasticality of this. You were right to cut it in half...my first one covered all 18 verses. The second one was much easier on my valium consumption :-). Great stuff, John.
2Eagle - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
This should be on the sports page. This gives me an idea for the next winter Olympics.
John Jenkins - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
2Eagle, thanks for your comment on this 3 year old parody. I look forward to your Olympics parody.

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