(Dug my way to) Albuquerque
Way back when I was a little puppy dog living in the doghouse in the backyard next to the swimming pool and the barbeque grill from Rocko's Smokehouse... you know the place...
Well, anyway, life was going swell until everything went just PEACHY!

Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My owner would make me a bowl of mushy dog food for breakfast.

Awww- Bad mushy dog food
Every single morning!
I kept on vomiting!

I said to my owner
I said, "Hey, why don't I get Kibbles N' Bits?"
And my taming owner
He just looked at me like a wolf who's cryin' out "boy"
And he kneeled down in front of me
And he said "EAT WHAT I FIXED YOU!!!"
So then he tried to force-feed me the dog food and I bit his hand
And he got so angry at me so much that he sent me to the dog pound

That's when I swore that one day,
One day, I would escape from the dog pound and travel to a magical far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like Zima
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the bulldogs and chihuahuas chase garbage trucks in the city
And anyone on the streets would offer me some beef jerky

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, all dogs, it wasn't too long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a college picnic had a contest
To see how many smoked sausages I can chow down in just one hour
I ate 174 and I won the grand prize
That's right a first class one way ticket... to-
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
You know I had never been on a real airplane before you and I gotta say it was really swell
Except I had to sit between two big black guys with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the black lady in the back of me kept blabbin' to her friends the whole time,
The flight attendants had no peanuts or Miller Lite
And the in-flight movie was "Double Take" with Eddie Griffin...
Oh yeah and three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!
Except for me...
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position (ruff)
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position

Aha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ohh...

So I dug through he twisted burning wreckage
I dug through the rock hard ground for three whole days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my dog biscuits
And my doggy wardrobe and my 16-inch dog bone
And my lucky, lucky glow in the dark dog collar...
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn!
Where the towels are oh, so fluffy!
And you can eat your big burgers outta the trash can if you wanna - Its okay, they're clean.

Well, I checked into my room and I turned on the fan
And I turned on the television
And I'm just about to eat that little dog cookie on my pillow
That I love so very,very much when suddenly, there's a scrape on the door
scrape, scrape
Who is it?
scrape, scrape
WHO IS IT!
scrape, scrape
They're not saying anything!

So, finally there was a pounding on the door and then a hole was chewed
It was a 350-pound sloberin' bulldog with a mohawk and pierced ear
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky dog collar
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That collar's been just like a collar to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I started to growl
So I bit his leg and he bit me on the ears
And I bit off his paw and he chewed off my fur coat
And I took out his claws and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to make a long story short, he got away with my collar.
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant, until the mean bulldog was sent to the pound...
But first I decided to buy some dog biscuits.

So I got in a city bus and I went over to the dog biscuit shop
And I go on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "Yah, whaddya want?!"
I said "you got any glazed biscuits?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed biscuitts!"
I said "You got any jelly biscuits?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly biscuits!"
I said "you got any Bovarian crème-filled biscuits?"
He said "No. we're outta Bovarian crème-filled biscuits!"
I said "You got any cinnamon biscuits?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon biscuits!"
I said "You got any doggy fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta doggy fritters!"
I said "You got any biscuit claws?"
He said "... Wait a minute - I'll go check"
"No! We're outta biscuit claws!"
I said "In that case... In that case what do you have?"
He said "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed dog-ear biting hamsters..."
"Okay, I'll take that..."
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the hamsters jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start biting my ears! Arngh narngh! Rargh narngh nargnhing!
Aww, they were just going nuts!
They were tearing me apart.
You know, I think it's about that time that a little ditty started going through my head...
I think it went a little something like this...

elp!! Get 'em off me! Help! Oh my God! Oh my - Oh my God! Ahh! Oh my - Get 'em off me! AHHHHHHHHH!

I ran out into the street with these flesh eating hamsterss on my face Waving my arms and just runnin' runnin' runnin'
Like a scared little puppy.
And as luck would have it, that's when I ran into the girl of my dreams...
Her name was Beyonce...
She was a beautiful French poodle that was named after the singer and hair the color of unstrained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey... You got hamsters all over you're face!"

That's when I knew it was true love!
We were inseparable after that!
Aww, we ate together we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of dog biscuit flavored dental floss...
The world was our wiener buffet.
So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful puppiess, Nathaniel and Super-Rover.
Oh, we were so very, very happy, aww yah.

But then one fateful night, Lola said to me, she said "Hey sweetie, do you wanna join the Hip-hop Record Club?"
I said "Whoa! Hold on know baby!
I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up and I never saw her again, but I'm sure that it wouldn't have happened...

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, things started really looking up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my life long dream...
That's right, I got me a part time job as a guard dog!
I even made "Guard Dog of the Month" after I bit the bank robber in the croch
Aww, yah people were pretty jealous of me after that.

OK, like one time, I was in the garbage dunp
Trying to remove some bits of pork chops from in between my teeth, when I see this guy who was like a Terminater, trying to carry a big old machine gun up the stairs by himself.
So I say to him, I say "Hey there! Do you want me to help you with that?"
And he suddenly rolls his eyes and says
"NOOooo, I want you to bite off my arms and legs with your sharp teeth...

So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me
And says "Hey man! I was just being sarcastic!"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not mind reader, for crying out loud!
Besides, now he's got a really weird nickname - Robo-Slop!
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote.
A guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
Now, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I just took a big bite out of his jugular vein!
And he's rolling around on the sidewalk,
Bleeding and screaming "Yahh! Ahhh! You stupid dog! Yah!!"
And I'm like "Hey, c'mon, don't you get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around
bleeding and screaming "Yahh! Ahhh! You stupid dog! I'll get you!" People just completely miss the irony of the whole situation.
Some people just can't take a joke, you know?

So anyway... umm... uhh... Kind of lost my train of thought...
Well anyway, I know this is kind of a roundabout way of saying this but I guess all I'm trying to say here is -

I!
HATE!
MUSHY DOG FOOD!

And that's all I'm really trying to say.
And by the way, if you ever happen to wake up
And find yourself in between the lofts
Full of courage and braveness
But wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy flea-bitten dog world of ours
In a little place called
Called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
...
Querque!
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll....
Buh-querque!
*burp*