There's a bottle right beside me
Making every step I take
More than just a little shady
I feel like I could piss a lake
But I can't make it to the toilet
Because I cannot climb the stairs
I wonder if I might soil it
If I pass out on this chair...

Jesus I can't even whistle
I wonder how much I just drank
Jesus I can't even whistle
Goddam it, I am really tanked.

Why can't I be more sober?
I just want to drink some water.
Why did I drink that bourbon?
I don't want to be hung over...

I am just a filthy drunkard
I am just a college kid
I will fail my test tomorrow
Trust me, it's at nine a.m.
I will have to study for it
While I'm walking to my class
But I'll probably still be drunk
I'll puke and then fall on my ass...

Mother Mary, won't you get me
A drink that isn't made with Jack?
Mother Mary, won't you buy me
Cigs, I just smoked my last pack?

Why can't I be more sober?
I just want to drink some water.
Why did I drink that bourbon?
I don't want to be hung over...
again.