Counting out with sweet pride
All the cash donated by these guys whom beer they love
The total's calculated
Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...Keg!...
(La, la, la, la, la la...)

Roll it round into the kitchen
Place it in a tub of cold water
Pop the plug, pull out the hose
Pump the brewskis Mr. Kotter!
(La, la, la, la, la...)
Hey, I'll get a hooker for you if you fill the stein up for me--go!

The piquant ale consumed
No need to knock down stores
Our garage band's The Roach
Got endless nachos brought by Tom
Not a spy, his parents are gone
Look, our wrestling coach!
(La. la, la, la, la, la...)

I so badly need to urinate!
Because of bubbly liquid golden with the white foam I slake
I just want to guzzilize brew!
(La, la, la, la, la...)

The cops, will they appear?
Relax, put aside your fears
Butstill more guests coming off the bus!
On empty stomach Bill's so blitzed and drunk
And yet he thrives while he car drives
Someone knocks on door outside
(Recorded backwards to capture that feeling of otherworldly inebriation:) Yelling 'bout the noise tide
We're all saturated by the beverage we love
Our host's congratulated...

(Keg!) Oh the beer is what we are drinkin'! (keg!)
All of our beer comes out of a keg! (keg!)
(Repeat 6x, with appropriate sound effects)

[
(The one left person left standing, a pitiful geek who still has some of his faculties left, waltzes all over the crowd of passed out bodies...)
Won't you drive me home? Can you drive me home?...Could you drive me home? Won't you drive me home...

(he babbles this mantra ad nauseaum...until he blacks out...)

(Train operator: "Step to the rear of the car please!")
(Dude 1: "Damn, dude, we barely made it out of there! Lucky we didn't get carded man!")
(Dude 2: "Absofreakinlutely, man! S***, that's the way it goes dude...damn I'm so out of it...")
(Approximately 3 and a half pointless minutes of the ambient sounds of the subway traincar ride to confuse listeners/readers into a similar state of unconsciousness until the song officially ends...)